- [last lines]
- Susan: What happened to my dress?
- Ben: Yeah, Nick was wearing it when I was trying to strangle him in the pub. Well, I was a bit tense, you know, because Michael had taken all the doorknobs and held me captive. And then Abi burnt my foot in the... soup.
- Susan: [long pause] You know, I think I prefer it when you lie.
- [first lines]
- Ben: Come on, Susan, shouldn't you be on your way by now?
- Susan: Just taking Janey a couple of leftovers from last night. Her favorite: kipper balls.
- Ben: Aren't kipper balls the reason Janey left in the first place?
- Susan: I know your just saying that so I'll leave them here for you.
- Ben: No, I'm really not.
- Susan: It's OK; kipper balls don't travel.
- Ben: Oh, believe me they travelled well last night.
- Susan Harper: [On visiting Janey at her university] It'll be fun being back at university again. Protest marches, all-night parties, wild sex...
- Ben Harper: What?
- Susan Harper: Just seeing if you were listening.
- Abi Harper: [Coming home drunk] I feel like I've spent all night on a bathroom floor and my head wedged behind a toilet.
- Ben Harper: Where have you been?
- Abi Harper: I've just told you!
- Ben Harper: What the hell are you doing?
- Nick: I'm a female impersonator.
- Ben Harper: Ah. Why don't you try impersonating a normal human being?
- Nick: Nah, that's been done.
- Nick: Now, where's her jewellery?
- Ben Harper: Oi! You're not nicking your mother's jewellery!
- Nick: Well, I wouldn't have to if you bought me any of my own! That's why I've always had to depend on the kindness of strangers!
- Nick: [Dressed like a woman] Hello, handsome!
- Ben Harper: Go away!
- Nick: No, I mean it. I've come to apologise for what I did to you in the bedroom.
- Drinker 1: [Whoops with other drinkers]
- Gerald: Is this your lovely wife, Harper? I don't think we've met before.
- Nick: Charmed!
- Ben Harper: This is not my wife.
- Gerald: Ooh! While the cat's away, the mouse will play!
- Nick: [Dressed like a woman] I miss you, Ben.
- Ben Harper: Oh, for...
- [Followed by whoops from the other drinkers]
- Nick: And the twins keep asking why daddy come round no more!
- Gerald: Do you have twins?
- Ben Harper: NICK!
- Nick: Yes, that's the boy, and Nicolina. Don't punish them, Ben! Punish me!
- Ben Harper: OK!
- [Punches him in the face]
- Susan Harper: Good afternoon.
- Server: Hmmm.
- Susan Harper: Minestrone soup? Looks delicious!
- Server: It's vegetable lasagne.
- Susan Harper: And what's that?
- Server: Shepherd's pie.
- Susan Harper: Are the potatoes locally grown?
- Server: Hope not. This is Manchester.
- Abi Harper: Hi.
- Ben Harper: Oh, lovely. Wedged your head behind a toilet again?
- Abi Harper: No. Nick made me stand in for him at the Cherry Vanilla.
- Ben Harper: Oh, I bet that was a hot ticket!
- Nick: So how did we do?
- Abi Harper: Well, let's see! I went on at 9 - it's now 9.30? They said I'll never make it as a female impersonator - I'm not convincing enough.
- Nick: I knew it. Never send a woman to do a man impersonating a woman's job.
- Susan Harper: You know, you don't have to feel hassled by a bunch of bourgeois students whose parents are picking up the bill.
- Server: No, I'm feeling hassled by the pain in the arse in front of me!