- Sam the Eagle: Excuse me, Mr. Mostel.
- Zero Mostel: Yes?
- Sam the Eagle: I am Sam the Eagle.
- Zero Mostel: I am glad to know you.
- Sam the Eagle: Yes, glad to know you. I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show.
- Zero Mostel: Are you really?
- Sam the Eagle: Yes.
- [behind Sam, Zero mocks him, though Sam doesn't know it]
- Sam the Eagle: I believe this program is trivial and not fit for family viewing.
- [looks behind him and sees Zero not mocking him anymore]
- Sam the Eagle: It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
- Zero Mostel: [mockingly] It is disgracefully lacking in culture.
- Sam the Eagle: Hmm, I'm glad you agree with me. Yes.
- [Zero takes a hammer and raises it over Sam's head]
- Sam the Eagle: I personally have always felt that this program...
- [looks at Zero again, who drops hammer behind]
- Sam the Eagle: ... must... must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense...
- [Zero now takes a gun and aims it at Sam]
- Sam the Eagle: ... and silliness!
- [looks at Zero once more, who puts gun in his own mouth]
- Sam the Eagle: Don't you agree with me, sir?
- Zero Mostel: [taking a glass of water and pouring it out] Of course! It must be cleansed!
- Sam the Eagle: Now, it seems to me that you and I...
- [behind Sam, Zero continues to mock him]
- Sam the Eagle: ... think alike.
- [looks at Zero again, who stops mocking him]
- Sam the Eagle: True?
- Zero Mostel: True.
- Sam the Eagle: A pleasure talking to you, sir. A man of dignity.
- [walks off]
- Zero Mostel: [mockingly] Dignity! Always dignity! Dignity, dignity!
- [mimics squawking like an eagle]
- Waldorf: [as he and Statler watch something on a TV in their balcony seats] What's the name of this movie?
- Statler: "Beach Blanket Frankenstein".
- Waldorf: Awful.
- Statler: Terrible film!
- Waldorf: Yeah, well, we could watch "The Muppet Show" instead.
- [they peek up over the TV and look out at the stage, then return to the TV, shaking their heads]
- Statler: Wonderful.
- Waldorf: Terrific film!
- Sam the Eagle: I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, well, let's see. Uh... tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow. You'll like this show.
- Sam the Eagle: Oh. Good. Yes, yes. Tell me more.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, well, let's see, we got, uh... Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero Mostel. We've got a musical number.
- Sam the Eagle: Good, good.
- Kermit the Frog: With Zoot and Rowlf. And of course we've got... Uh, we've got the lady... uh... the lady wrestlers.
- Sam the Eagle: What?
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, oh, nothing, Sam. It's just, uh, we got some lady... lady... lady... wrest... Uh, stand by for the pantomime number.
- Sam the Eagle: Lady what?
- Kermit the Frog: [nervously] Uh... lady wrestlers.
- Sam the Eagle: Wrest what?
- Kermit the Frog: Lers.
- Sam the Eagle: Lady wrestlers? Lady wrestlers!
- Kermit the Frog: You don't understand...
- Sam the Eagle: Have we no shame? Ugh. Kermit, something, something must be done here.
- Kermit the Frog: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A Flat, as performed by... Dr. Teeth?
- Sam the Eagle: What.
- Sam the Eagle: I think you know why I am here.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.