The Muppet Show (TV Series)
Harvey Korman (1976)
Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Waldorf, Rowlf, Dr. Teeth, The Newsman
Quotes
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Kermit the Frog : Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie Bear : Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I'm going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world's funniest joke. This is all spontaneous, unrehearsed. Right, froggy?
Kermit the Frog : It's unrehearsed, right.
Fozzie Bear : Okay, okay, okay.
[clears throat]
Fozzie Bear : Now, frog of my heart, you will just wait until I say the word "hear". When you hear me say the word "hear", you will rush up to me and say, "Good grief! The comedian's a bear!"
Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear : Check.
Kermit the Frog : When you say the word "hear"?
Fozzie Bear : Right.
Kermit the Frog : Gotcha.
Fozzie Bear : Okay. Now then... Hiya, hiya, hiya! You're a wonderful looking audience! It's a pleasure to be here!
Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear : Not yet!
Kermit the Frog : But you just said "here".
Fozzie Bear : That was the wrong "here".
Kermit the Frog : Which is the right "here"?
Fozzie Bear : The other "hear"!
[sends Kermit off]
Fozzie Bear : Go, go, go. Okay. Hey, hey, folks, this is a story you gotta love to hear!
Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear : Will you stop that?
Kermit the Frog : But you said "hear"!
Fozzie Bear : Not *that* "hear"!
Kermit the Frog : Well, which "hear"?
Fozzie Bear : Another "hear"!
Kermit the Frog : How'm I gonna know?
Fozzie Bear : You'll know when you hear!
Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear : [makes an exasperated sound] Alright, listen, you will know when I point to you.
[Kermit goes off-stage grumbling]
Fozzie Bear : Alright, don't grumble.
[clears throat, to audience]
Fozzie Bear : Say, a funny thing to me on the way to the theater. At the stage door, I passed a bunch of Muppet fans and suddenly I hear...
[pause, Fozzie points to Kermit]
Kermit the Frog : Good grief! The comedian's a bear!
Fozzie Bear : [in Italian dialect] No, he's-a not! He's-a wearing' a neck-a-tie!
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Statler : Well, that's better than opening it with a bang.
[Crazy Harry then appears]
Crazy Harry : Heheheheheh! Did somebody say "bang"?
Waldorf : No!
[they punch Harry in the face]
Crazy Harry : Well, you can't win 'em all.
[they punch him again]
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Rowlf : Anesthetic!
Miss Piggy : Anesthetic, Dr. Bob.
Patient : Uh, is this operation really nec-
[Dr. Bob hits the patient over the head with a mallet and knocks him out cold]
