The Monkees (TV Series)

Monkee vs. Machine (1966)

James Frawley: DJ-61, DJ-69

Quotes 

• DJ-69 : Take a seat please. To preclude the variable factor inherent in the human equation, we have instituted this new electronic personnel procedure requiring... Your name, please.

  Peter : What?

  DJ-69 : Thank you. Last name: What. And your first name, Mr. What?

  Peter : N - It's not 'What'.

  DJ-69 : Notwhat. Mr. Notwhat What.

  Peter : Wait a minute, that's not my name at all. My name is...

  DJ-69 : [interrupting]  Occupation?

  Peter : ...Peter, ya dig? Pete.

  DJ-69 : You dig peat. Occupation: Peat Digger. And your mother's maiden name?

  Peter : Thompson.

  DJ-69 : Mother's name: Thompson. Sex, please?

  Peter : Female, of course.

  DJ-69 : All right, Mrs. Notwhat.

  Peter : No, my *mother* is female.

  DJ-69 : What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?

  Peter : Listen, I'm a man!

  DJ-69 : In your spare time, you are a man.

• Peter : Oh no, no, that's not it at all. You've - First of all, you've got my name wrong.

  DJ-69 : Correction: Name misspelled. Please give correct letter.

  Peter : Well, I...

  DJ-69 : [interrupting]  Correct letter is 'I'. Name is not Notwhat, but Nitwit.

  Peter : Oh, brother...

  DJ-69 : Brother is also a Nitwit.

  Peter : Now, just a minute!

  DJ-69 : That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.

  [a dismissive bell sounds] 

  Peter : Give me a chance.

  Secretary : [door to interview chamber opens]  I'm sorry, you're rejected.

  Peter : Why do I have to talk to a machine? Why couldn't I talk to a human being?

  DJ-69 : Because, Nitwit, a machine avoids the human error, the human error, the human errroorrrrr...

  [machine runs down] 

• [Mike exacts revenge on the DJ-61 interviewing computer:] 

  DJ-69 : What is your name?

  Mike : [rushing the machine]  Nesmith! What's yours?

  DJ-69 : What?

  Mike : Thank you, Mr. What. And what's your first name?

  DJ-69 : It's not 'What'.

  Mike : Mr. Notwhat What. And what is your occupation?

  DJ-69 : Name is not 'Notwhat'! I am computer DJ-61!

  Mike : Oh, you're a DJ! Look, I'll bet you've got a great record collection.

  [computer starts to overload] 

  Mike : Now tell me about your mother and father.

  DJ-69 : My mother was a duplicating machine...

  Mike : Sex?

  [smoke and disturbing noises issue from DJ-61] 

  Mike : Oh, I'll bet you're a real swinger when you're turned on.

  [low groan] 

  Mike : Dirty old man...

  DJ-69 : Wait! I am not programmed for these questions!

  Mike : Oh, you want a different program? Well, let - Okay, um...

  [starts stabbing buttons at random. DJ-61 crashes amid smoke, flying punched cards, and a shower of sparks] 

• DJ-69 : My mother was a duplicating machine.