- Mister Ed: Wilbur, I'm attending college because I want to become a P.H.D.
- Wilbur Post: P.H.D.?
- Mister Ed: Palomino Horse Doctor.
- Wilbur Post: Ed, I can't belive it. You really did open an animal clinic here in the barn!
- Mister Ed: Shhh! I'm helping a sick chicken here.
- Wilbur Post: [looks at a chicken perched atop a stool] What's wrong with it?
- Mister Ed: She's expecting her first egg and she's a little nervous about it.
- Wilbur Post: Ed, that's a rooster!
- Mister Ed: Opps!
- Wilbur Post: Didn't you learn in college about how to tell the sexes apart?
- Mister Ed: Yeah, but it must have been the class I missed thanks to you.
- Wilbur Post: What are you going to do now?
- Mister Ed: Well, I was going to give her, or him, some relaxing pills.
- Wilbur Post: Relaxing pills?
- Mister Ed: Yeah, the same kind you took when your father-in-law first came to visit.
- Wilbur Post: [examining a goat] What's wrong with him?
- Mister Ed: Splitting headaches. He keeps butting his head against fences.
- Wilbur Post: What are you going to do for him?
- Mister Ed: Have him take two asprine and have him to check back on me in the morning. But be careful. Don't let him eat the whole bottle.
- Wilbur Post: [examinating a cow] What's wrong with her?
- Mister Ed: I hear wheezing between the filet and top sirloin. Must be some kind of breathing blockage. Have her go on a light carb diet with lots of greens.