Midsomer Murders (TV Series)

A Tale of Two Hamlets (2003)

John Nettles: DCI Tom Barnaby

Photos 

Quotes 

• DCI Tom Barnaby : [they have just turned uphill at a T-junction]  Stop, Troy, stop. We go down the hill, Troy.

  Sergeant Gavin Troy : I thought we were going to Upper Warden.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Yeah, we are.

  [points to signpost] 

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Upper Warden is down the hill; Lower Warden is up the hill

  Sergeant Gavin Troy : That doesn't make any sense.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Troy, this is Midsomer.

  Sergeant Gavin Troy : Sorry. I forgot.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : I have to ask the obvious question. Did your brother Frank have any enemies?

  Rupert Smythe-Webster : Apparently. Otherwise he'd still be alive.

• Murdoch : Is it true a local man is helping with your enquiries?

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Well, if he is it'll be a first.

• [last lines] 

  DCI Tom Barnaby : This your bookmark?

  Joyce Barnaby : Probably.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Oh, no, it's not. Danny's meatball recipe.

  Joyce Barnaby : [sighs]  He seemed a nice boy.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Oh yeah, everybody liked him.

• Frank Webster : [referring to his family traditions]  ... the youngest goes off to the Crusades, but I decided to join the Godless infidels and became a movie producer.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : You produced "The House of Satan."

  Frank Webster : The highest grossing U.K.-financed movie of the last decade.

  Simon Smythe-Webster : Gross is an appropriate word.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : I've been bullied by the media into holding a press conference. Would you mind taking part please?

  Frank Webster : My pleasure. All publicity is good publicity.

• Frank Webster : What did you expect?

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Well, I probably expected a little more grief from the bereaved, with the possible exception of his mother.

  Frank Webster : You could put it down to the stiff upper lip of the English ruling class. But more likely, it's the fact that nobody liked him.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : Elsie Pinchel. Is that Danny's mother?

  Sarah Proudie : Mm. She died a couple of weeks ago. A legendary midwife of this parish and a formidable gossip. She'd have answered all your questions whether she knew the answers or not.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : I thought the point of women's emancipation is you didn't have to do the men's dirty washing.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : [as they are walking]  I'm told that you and Sarah Proudie from Upper Warden were once, if you'll pardon the expression, an item.

  Rupert Smythe-Webster : [he stops in his tracks]  My God! You have been dredging, haven't you?

  DCI Tom Barnaby : Well, there seems an awful lot to dredge in these parts.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : Is the spray can mightier than the sword?

  Sarah Proudie : Well,it doesn't kill people.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : And you're familiar with the Book of Leviticus?

  Sarah Proudie : I didn't reject the Bible without reading it first. What sort of woman do you think I am?

• DCI Tom Barnaby : It looks very different from the book of the film.

  Sarah Proudie : Well, that's because the original is an old-fashioned socialist novel. He calls it "The House of Satan" because he saw the Smythe-Websters as totally corrupt from top to bottom. They took our book and turned it into a cut-price horror movie.

  DCI Tom Barnaby : So you're not one of the world's greatest admirers of the Smythe-Websters, Sarah?

  Sarah Proudie : Everything we have of value they steal. We deal in truth and they deal in power.

• DCI Tom Barnaby : If you hate these people so much...

  Sarah Proudie : Would I consider murdering them?

  [chuckles] 

  Sarah Proudie : No. I'm a card carrying peacenik. Check with MI5, ask them about Sarah Proudie. They'll tell you.