- [first lines]
- Marshal Mort Dooley: [Opening sequence, parody of Matt Dillon walking through Boot Hill of Dodge City] This is Boot Hill, Elwood, Kansas. It's a nice place to visit. I like to come up here sometimes to think and maybe get ahead a grave or two. Elwood's a peaceful town. That's the way the merchants like it and that's the way I keep it. I'm a merchant myself. I own 37 and a half percent of the Weeping Willow saloon. Sometimes a visiting cowboy gets a little drunk, but that's what the town's here for. Thieves and criminals though, they stay away. They know what they can expect of Mort Dooley. That's my name, Mort Dooley. I'm the Marshal. Only real threat to law and order around here lately was a certain roving gambler I had to keep throwing out of my town. Some folks say he came here from Wormwood, Kansas. I don't know where he came from myself, but it all started about a week ago. The name he was using at the time was Maverick.
- Virginia Adams: Mort, be careful!
- [to Marshall Dooley; running gag as Virginia says it with excess emphasis whenever the Sheriff is about to go out and confront Bret]
- [last lines]
- Freddie Hawkins: What kept you so blinking long?
- Bret Maverick: Oh, I had to do my little bit for law and order in the west. I thought he never would come out of that office.
- Freddie Hawkins: You'll never gets nowheres in this cold, cruel world. Too sentimental, you are.