Married... with Children (TV Series)

You Better Watch Out (1987)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

• Kid : Santa smells like beer!

  Al : [quietly]  Catch me in five minutes, I'll smell like hard liquor.

• [the coroner is stopped from removing the dead body of Santa Claus by a group of children outside the Bundy's front door] 

  Coroner : Uh-oh.

  Al : What's wrong now? The Easter Bunny hang himself in my front yard?

• [something falls off the Bundy's roof into their back yard] 

  Kelly : What was that?

  Al : I don't know but if it's dead and has a red nose, we'll throw it in Steve and Marcy's yard.

• Marcy : [after a sky-diving department store Santa splattered all over the Bundys' back yard, while Steve and Marcy were over, the coroners are clearing up outside; inside, Steve is pouring a large drink, while Marcy is babbling, and both are shaking]  Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...

  [Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are all eating pizza] 

  Al : Hey Peg, you know what we ought to do tomorrow? We oughta make some Christmas cookies.

  Peggy : Oh yeah, and maybe some eggnog, with nutmeg.

  Bud : Mmm!

  Steve Rhoades : You ghouls! Don't you understand, there's a splattered Santa all over your yard!

  Al : What do you want me to do Steve? Quit eating?

• Al : Oh, come on! That's not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about family and giving. Okay, here is all the crap my family gave us last year.

  [Al picks up the big box of Xmas stuff] 

  Al : It's time for the traditional re-wrapping of this garbage for your family.

• [at Christmas time the doorbell rings] 

  Peggy : Who could that be?

  Al : Oh, Great. With my luck, probably an elf with a knife in his back.

• Al : Well, they're gone. All dead guys and non-relatives out.

  Bud : So long, Kel.

  Kelly : Yeah, like they really intended to have you.

  Peggy : Now kids, we wanted both of you. It was your father I didn't plan on.

• Kid : I wanna sit on your lap.

  Al : [Dressed as Santa]  All right but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

• Kelly : Dad, why don't we get Bud one of those scratching posts to rub against? You know, it'll save the furniture.

  Bud : You really wanna save the furniture, Kel? Why don't you stop putting notches on your bed posts?

  Al : Now Bud, apologize to your sister.

  Bud : No.

  Al : Okay.

• Al : No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mother says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But, here's a special Christmas gift for Daddy: tell him to come home for lunch some day around when Mr. Mailman's there with his special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for old dad.

  Nestor : But what do I get?

  Al : A new home, and a fresh new Mommy. Ho-ho-ho!

• Marcy : What did Peggy give you, Al?

  Al : Irregularity... and

  [refers to Bud and Kelly] 

  Al : these two.

• Peggy : Al, get rid of those kids.

  Al : If I knew how to do that we wouldn't have ours.

  [Al opens the door and announces to the kids] 

  Al : Okay everybody, boys and girls, and you Tony, Santa's okay. Now he just had a little bit of Mrs. Bundy's cooking and he's in the bathroom bent over, but he's going to be fine, so go home.

  Kid : We wanna see him!

  Al : No!

  [the kids throw snowballs at al] 

• Al : Aren't you forgetting something, coolest Dad in the world?

  Bud : Best Dad in the universe.

  Peggy : You who makes my life worth living.

  Al : You all want your Christmas presents, don't ya?

  Peggy : [sarcastic]  No, we really love you.

• Bud : Dad, can we go to that new Lakeside Mall?

  Al : No we can't and I'll tell you why. That mall is killing your father.

  Bud : Oh, I thought Mom was doing that.

• Al : Peg, I'm ashamed of you.

  Peggy : I know.

  Al : Peg! If you keep shopping at that new mall, we'll be broke and living in a cardboard box under the 'L'!

  Peggy : Not me. I can always divorce you and remarry.

  Bud : And me and Kelly will be living in a foster home.

  Kelly : Let's go shopping. Put Dad in a early grave!

  Al : Uh, family before you go, would you get old Daddy's shotgun and stand close together?

• Bud : Dad, where are our Christmas presents?

  Kelly : He probably has them in the car, don't you?

  Al : Well, no. Remember when I said that when we didn't have much that we could always look at the poor people less fortunate then us and feel better? Well... let's find a mirror.

• Steve Rhoades : We donated money in your name to the National Organization for Women. Merry Christmas.

  Al : That's great. Do I get tickets to their 10K man stomp?

• Al : [Dressed as Santa]  All right, but make it fast. Santa has hemorrhoids.

  [Carl sits on Santa's lap] 

  Al : What do you want?

  Carl : I want to know why you came to Old-Man Bundy's House?

  Al : Oh, well I came to give him special presents because he sells women's shoes, and is cursed with a foul wife and has ungrateful kids, but still, he goes on.

  Carl : But he's a butthead.