- [Al takes his first bite of the cheesecake... and spits it out]
- Al Bundy: This is a horrible hoax! This isn't an authentic Chuck's Cheesebowl cherry cheesecake! You went to the wrong place!
- Marcy D'Arcy: I don't think there are a lot of Chuck's Cheesebowl's in Tunoose, Wisconsin... just a "belch and a holler!" from Wanker County. Where we met so many nice people who said wise things like, "I gots my own teeth!"
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, and, uh, "I'll trade you my sister for your Bic lighter."
- Marcy D'Arcy: Oh yes, we had such a nice time. We must show you the slides of me getting fondled at the gas station by something that was half-man, half-owl.
- Kelly Bundy: Dad, they met Cousin Hooty!
- Al Bundy: [setting out the cheesecake] I must fetch my cheese goggles. Now, you two may admire it... but don't touch it! This cheese means more to me than both your lives.
- Street Singer: Woman makes you stupid/ Every man's a hound/ She say I loves an ocean/ Then she pulled you in to drown/ Woman makes you stupid/ Always playin' with your head/ Next time you'll be smilin'/ Is the day you wake up dead!/ Woman makes you stupid/ When she show a little tail/ I don't know why we need 'em/ Oh yeah, a coffin needs a nail!
- Street Singer: I was born in the junkyard/ A child of the streets/ My ghetto was cats and garbage/ And other tasty treats/ Police chased and caught me/ I was in the pound alone/ The Bundys came and got me/ Didn't even bring a bone!/ I'm hungry out here/ I ain't talkin' jive/ I'll eat anything/ Even if it's alive/ Don't want no fax machine/ Got no use for a phone/ Don't even want my belly rubbed/ Just give me a blood-stained bone!/ Starvin' out here, Mama/ Got no food to call my own/ You better watch your wives and children/ I'm out here prowlin' for a bone/
- [Al is waiting eagerly for a cheesecake from a Wisconsin restaurant. The doorbell rings, and he opens it to Steve and Marcy]
- Marcy D'Arcy: [exhales] Well, we're back...
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [exhales] We got it, you wouldn't believe the trouble...
- [Al has already grabbed the cheesecake and shut the door on them. As he goes to the table, they storm in]
- Marcy D'Arcy: Do you know what hell we went through to get you that cheesecake? We had to make a two-day trek through the backwoods of Wisconsin's cheese country! Living off cheese wine... nibbling on cheese bread... having to make cheap cheese love... and we almost got lost a thousand times!
- Al Bundy: Well, that's why I sent Peg with you as a guide.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah, thanks so much for sending your wife on our honeymoon. Without her playing pinochle with us every night, we don't know what we would have done.
- Al Bundy: Well, she's been begging for a second honeymoon for years, so I figured, better you than me.
- [Al opens the cheesecake box. Bud and Kelly immediately cover their noses]
- Kelly Bundy: Yow! Ooh...
- Bud Bundy: Geez, there must be a dead man in there!
- Al Bundy: [inhaling] Ah boy, you know, there's no mistaking real cheese. And you know, Pumpkin, they aged this cheese six months.
- Kelly Bundy: Where? In the belly of a bear?
- Bud Bundy: Can Dad's life be so empty that a piece of cheesecake is this important?
- Kelly Bundy: Is this your first day here?
- [the phone rings]
- Al Bundy: [answers the phone] Hans? Oh, it's you, Peg. You miss me? Yeah, who cares? I'm busy, all right?
- [hangs up]
- Bud Bundy: Hey, guys. Watch. This dog can do tricks. Sit.
- [the female dog sits]
- Bud Bundy: Foot.
- [the female dog lifts her paw, Bud shakes it]
- Bud Bundy: Speak.
- [the female dog barks]
- Buck the Dog: Hey, hey, I can do all that stuff. Ask me something. Go ahead, ask me.
- Bud Bundy: Buck, somersault.
- Buck the Dog: Say what?
- [after Buck is framed by the female dog]
- Kelly Bundy: Buck, would you like to come back in now? And what have we learned?
- Buck the Dog: Th-Th-That when you're frozen solid, you really don't think about sex that much.
- Buck the Dog: [to the female dog] Oh, it's you, huh? Gee, sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but sound doesn't really travel well as high up as you got tossed!