Mad About You (TV Series)

Uncle Phil and the Coupons (1997)

Mel Brooks: Uncle Phil

Quotes 

• Uncle Phil : [talking about coupons]  Look, you see the dotted lines?

  Paul Buchman : Right.

  Uncle Phil : All the dotted lines?

  Paul Buchman : Right.

  Uncle Phil : You know why they put th--It's not a line test. They put them there for you to cut them out. They WANT you to take them.

  Paul Buchman : All right.

  Uncle Phil : They're HURT when you don't take them.

• Paul Buchman : So we'll use the coupons, I don't know. Listen: I always heard growing up, they said that there's no such thing as a free lunch.

  Uncle Phil : [Hands Paul a coupon]  Here. Free lunch.

• Lawyer : You're a thin man.

  Uncle Phil : [smugly]  I read labels.

  Lawyer : Now Mr. Buchman, do you seriously mean to contend that you have eaten 320,000 Good 'n Salty Crackers?

  Uncle Phil : Your Honor, the man is assuming and presuming. How does he know what I eat and what I don't eat? This man is awash afloat in a sea of assumption and presumption!

• Court Bailiff : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?

  Uncle Phil : More than less.

• Judge Chuffa : All right, the next case. Docket #4736: The Colosso Food and Toy Company versus Philip Irwin Buchman.

  Uncle Phil : Objection!

  Judge Chuffa : What?

  Uncle Phil : I don't use the name Irwin anymore.

• Paul Buchman : I think we got more than anything a child could possibly use.

  Uncle Phil : Wait a minute, wait a minute.

  [He points to a shelf] 

  Uncle Phil : Ointments.

  Paul Buchman : Oh, we got ointments.

  Uncle Phil : Don't tell me every child couldn't use baby oil? A little baby cream?

  Paul Buchman : Well, we have plenty of that.

  Uncle Phil : Every child needs more baby cream than you think. The average ten pound child, I would say is about eight pounds child, two pounds ointments, creams, and emollients.

• Paul Buchman : [about coupons]  I'm just--Look, it says "One per customer". You're only supposed to have one per customer.

  Uncle Phil : One per customer, sure. Well, I'm a customer.

  Paul Buchman : Right.

  Uncle Phil : You're a customer.

  Paul Buchman : Yes.

  Uncle Phil : Ira's a customer...

  Paul Buchman : You got these from EVERY relative?

  Uncle Phil : I get from--not only from relatives. I get 'em from neighbors, people in the building. I'm very popular. I'll tell ya: if I would decide today to run for mayor, I'm telling ya I wouldn't lose by more than five votes. Six, at the most.

• Uncle Phil : Your Honor, if it please the court. And I think it will.

  [to the lawyer on the witness stand] 

  Uncle Phil : You call yourself a lawyer. Do you have any evidence, do you have one eyewitness that has seen me NOT eat 320,000 Good 'n Salty Crackers?

  Lawyer : Well, we...

  Uncle Phil : Did you have an eyewitness who saw me NOT drink 2,000 bottles of Very Cherry Pop Delight?

  Lawyer : Well...

  Uncle Phil : [to the court]  Which you need, by the way, to wash down 320,000 crackers!

• Judge Chuffa : Counsel, what is the nature of your complaint?

  Lawyer : Your Honor, we will prove beyond doubt that Philip Irwin Buchman...

  Uncle Phil : Hey, hey.

  Lawyer : That Philip Buchman, along with his relatives who were willing accomplices, did knowingly seek to defraud the Colosso Food and Toy Company with the unlawful hoarding and fraudulent redemption of price-reduction coupons.

  Judge Chuffa : Mr. Buchman, how do you answer the charges?

  Uncle Phil : The charges are answered in the following manner.

  [He blows a raspberry] 

  Judge Chuffa : Response noted.

• Paul Buchman : You got coupons for everything here?

  Uncle Phil : You see that hat?

  Paul Buchman : Yeah.

  Uncle Phil : Thirty dollars in the store. With these coupons, what?

  Paul Buchman : I don't know.

  Uncle Phil : Seven cents!

• Lawyer : Mr. Buchman, in order for you to have accumulated as many coupons as we've confiscated, you personally in the last six months would have to have consumed 350 pounds of Good 'n Salty Crackers...

  Uncle Phil : Yes...

  Lawyer : 1,000 bottles of Dr. Hirsch's Very Cherry Soft Drink...

  Uncle Phil : Yes...

  Lawyer : And purchased 380 pounds of Pretty Kitty Cat Food.

  Uncle Phil : Yes.

  Lawyer : Mr. Buchman, do you even OWN a cat?

  Uncle Phil : You mean at the present time as we're talking to each other?

  Lawyer : Yes.

  Uncle Phil : Nooo.

• Uncle Phil : Think, think back when you were a law student. When you thought you could do something, you could help people. You thought about justice, humanity, and goodness. And your parents. Think about your parents, how they struggled to send you to law school. What did they do to send you law school?

  Lawyer : Well, they...

  Uncle Phil : They what?

  Lawyer : They both worked very hard.

  Uncle Phil : Yes, they worked hard. And?

  Lawyer : And they borrowed money.

  Uncle Phil : And they borrowed money. And?

  Lawyer : And they cut corners wherever they could.

  Uncle Phil : Yes, they cut--What else did they... cut?

  [Uncle Phil motions with his hand] 

  Lawyer : [nervous]  Nothing.

  Uncle Phil : [pressing]  What else did they cut to send you to law school?

  Lawyer : Nothing. They cut nothing.

  Uncle Phil : WHAT ELSE BESIDE NOTHING DID THEY CUT?

  Lawyer : COUPONS! THEY CUT COUPONS!