- Uncle Phil: I'm in a tunnel. I'm in a tunnel. I see a light. I see a light at the other end. Is it heaven? ... No, it's New Jersey. Yes. I must be in the Holland Tunnel
- Paul Buchman: Phil it is. We'll name the boy Phil.
- Uncle Phil: One more thing. My real name is not Phil. My real name is Deuteronomy.
- Sylvia Buchman: Tell me you didn't agree to name your child Appendectomy.
- Burt Buchman: Deuteronomy.
- Ira Buchman: Have you both lost your mind? Do you have any idea how much this kid is gonna be teased? Doody.
- Paul Buchman: I know.
- Ira Buchman: Doo-doo.
- Paul Buchman: I understand.
- Paul Buchman: Doody on-a-me.
- Uncle Phil: If you want common, you name a kid Joe, you name a kid John. The kid goes to a picnic. "John, your sandwich is ready." 40 kids run up to get that sandwich.
- Jamie Buchman: Finally, one day I said, "This is it! I've had my fill." And then it hit me. Phil, that's a good name.
- Paul Buchman: What about the pain?
- Jamie Buchman: Gas. A humongous rogue bubble of trapped gas. And it left as silently as it came.
- Jamie Buchman: You can't name this kid Deuteronomy. What are you, nuts? I was on painkillers. I was delirious. What's your excuse?
- Burt Buchman: If I went to school with a kid named Deuteronomy, my day would not be complete until I made the kid cry.
- Uncle Phil: I used to come home from school, as I was walking home, I'd hear, "Doody, Doody".
- Paul Buchman: See?
- Uncle Phil: "There's no doody on you. Is there any doody on-a me?"