- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Klinger, let me ask you something. Why do you want to get out of here?
- Maxwell Klinger: Why? Well there's, there's lots of reasons. I guess death tops the list. I don't wanna die. And I don't wanna look at other people while they do it. And I don't wanna be told where to stand while it happens to me. And I don't wanna be told how to do it to somebody else. And I ain't gonna, period, that's it, I'm gettin' out.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: You don't like death.
- Maxwell Klinger: Overall, I'd rather lay in a hammock with a couple of girls than be dead. Yes.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Listen, Klinger. You're not crazy.
- Maxwell Klinger: I'm not? Really?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size twelve pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoopskirts right behind you.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Oh, hi, Father. I didn't expect to be seeing you in here.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Yes, well, uh..
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: [He pulls up a chair] Please.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, thank you. Well, l-I've come about a friend.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I see. What's his problem?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, things aren't going so well for him and he's feeling a little low.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Who's your friend, Father?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: You.
- [Sidney snickers]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: I wonder if a good antidote might be to think about all the successes you've had. I would think you've had a few, no?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Sure. I've sent dozens of kids back to the front and they're fine now.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: It hurts to think you might lose even one, though, doesn't it?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: See, when Pierce or Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. But when I lose one, I've lost a mind.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul. Well, I guess it's all in how you look at it.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Psst... psst!
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Did you want to see me, or have you sprung a leak?
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't want to go into your tent 'cause I was afraid somebody might think I was crazy.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: What can I do for you?
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I think I'm goin' crazy.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after stopping people from burning a number of items] You see how loony they're getting?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: You know, this may be just what they need.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Major, when people are suffering from overwork, do you usually prescribe arson? Because if you do, I'm gonna take another look under that bandage.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Look, Colonel, they don't want to burn the whole camp, just carefully selected bits of it. Actually, it's a pretty controlled response to this place. They might actually have found themselves that pressure valve you're looking for.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [addressing the crowd] All right, let me have your attention. I am reversing my previous order. You are hereby directed to assemble one regulation, bon-type fire.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I got it.
- [Hawkeye holds his fork in front of BJ's face]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Smell this.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Oh, come on. Don't start with me.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I know what it smells like.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I mean it. I can't eat if you do that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Just take a sniff.
- [BJ sniffs the food on Hawkeye's fork]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: If you took a raw egg and buried it in a shoe under a chicken coop.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I told you not to do that! How am I gonna eat this stuff?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Am I right? But a brown egg. A brown egg, right?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Will you shut up?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Gina Lollobrigida used to make me drool. And last week I looked at a picture of this beautiful, voluptuous woman, and all I could think of was, "How could she wear a peasant blouse with a tweed skirt?" Now is that "El Flippo" or what?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Look, you're in the crazy business. Fashion consciousness is just a tool of the trade.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Doc, I go to sleep wondering if my pleats will hold out for another day. My palms got sweaty last week when I read that cocktail-length hems are going longer in the back, and I just don't have the material. Now that's sane, right?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [after Hawkeye and BJ put a cot on the bonfire] A cot. How can you do that?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's just a thing. It has no intrinsic value.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Besides, it's yours.
- Maxwell Klinger: Can I talk to you, Major? I hear you got your shingle out.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I realize I've only told you about a hundred and twelve times, but I can't help you with the Section Eight routine, Klinger.
- Maxwell Klinger: Oh, I don't wanna talk about getting out. I wanna talk about being crazy.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, this is a novel approach. Go on.
- Maxwell Klinger: No, I mean it. I'm afraid I'm going crazy. You want me to lie down?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: What's the problem?
- Maxwell Klinger: Well, I look at myself in the mirror lately, and I see this guy in earrings, pillbox hat, veil, maybe a little choker of pearls. And I ask myself..."Would a sane man dress like this?" I'm tryin' to convince them, and I'm convincing myself.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: You're actually worried?
- Maxwell Klinger: Major, I think I'm *really* goin' nuts.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You naughty boy.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I DID NOT TOUCH MY NO-- I did not touch my nose.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: You DID touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: It's the battle of the noses, ladies and gentlemen. Who do you think is ahead, Captain Hunnicutt?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Say, that's disgusting.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [about Maj. Winchester touching his nose in surgery] The point is he denies it! He's completely irrational! How do I know what he'll try to touch next?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: A-ha.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What's that supposed to mean? "A-ha." I know an "A-ha" when I hear one. You think I'm infatuated with him, don't you?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Is that what I think?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, let me set your mind at ease, Major. The only reason he goes for his nose is because it's the only living thing around here that would have him!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: How am I expected to operate in here if I must continually leave to wash my hands?
- All: Don't touch your nose!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [Under his breath] Idiots.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Smell this.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Will you, for crying out loud, stop making me smell your food? I can't eat as it is!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know, you're completely deficient in imagination.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You're completely deficient.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [about Maj. Houlihan] Look, the point is SHE is the one who is obsessed. She watches my every movement. My body seems to be of intense interest to her. Which I suppose you find, uh, very revealing, right?
- [Smirks]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hmm. In other words, the woman's crazy about me. Huh?
- [laughs]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Please, don't make me laugh.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I don't know whatever got into me.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: [about Maj. Winchester] I don't know. He seems like a decent person. Intelligent, a certain amount of wit.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: And money. Let's not forget his money which he's constantly flaunting in front of us with his laundered hankies and his monogrammed caviar. I suppose you think I find money attractive.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I have no idea.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Money is far down on my list, Major. Money comes second, maybe even third.
- [Long pause]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Second.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hardly. I do not intend to be part of Colonel Potter's psychiatric cattle drive. I just dropped by to say that I won't... be dropping by.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Would dropping by make you uncomfortable?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: No. Don't waste your clinical come-on with me, Doctor. I had my fill of psychiatrists at the age of nine. And no, I don't care to talk about it.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yeah, but me and my teddy bear are very close. I mean sometimes I talk to it.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Does it ever talk back?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: So? Do you know how many people write letters to Romeo and Juliet and think "I Love Lucy" is real? And those people are living nice safe lives with towels and sheets. They're not up to their ankles in mud, blood and death the way you are.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yeah, but what happens when I go back home?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: My guess is you probably won't need him anymore.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I won't need him anymore?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: That's okay though, 'cause I have a feeling I will.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [about Maj. Houlihan] I tell you, Major, that woman is verging on a very serious breakdown. If I had any confidence at all in psychiatry,
- [chuckles]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I would recommend, uh, treatment.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Thank you.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry. Would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [Chuckling] I kind of doubt that'll be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I beg your pardon?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Your nose. You touched your nose. You're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you'll contaminate the field.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Of course. That is precisely what I would do, if in fact I had touched my nose, which I didn't.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Major, I saw you touch your nose!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think if I had touched my nose, I would have felt it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I just felt something over my lip. Maybe you touched my nose.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You touch his nose, Charles, you'll have to marry him.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I have a problem by the name of Charles Emerson Winchester.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Winchester is your problem?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: He's insane.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Really?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: He has no grasp of reality.
- [Chuckling]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: For instance, uh, just to give you an example. It's insignificant really. He touched his nose in surgery and won't admit it! Is that crazy, or is that crazy?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Classic. How often does he go for his nose?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [about Maj. Winchester] Anyway, the man is totally self-absorbed! What do you think of him?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Well, he seems basically normal.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Uh-huh. In other words you think he's crazy about me.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: I do?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Well, I just wouldn't be too sure about that if I were you.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Col. Potter approaches the pile for the bonfire] May I ask what's going on here?
- Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Well, sir, we were burnin' the Chinese uniforms, sir, because they're infested.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Are you telling me some Chinese soldier came in here wearing an American ladder?
- Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Oh, uh, l-I guess that must've just slipped up there by mistake, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Well, you better slip it back off, Zale, or your service record is liable to get one giant hotfoot.
- Sgt. Zelmo Zale: Yes, sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Thank you.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, it's about my teddy bear.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: He's been acting strangely?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Huh?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: What about him?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, I never say anything to the guys when they kid me about sleepin' with it. Except now and then I think about it in the back of my head. And when you told Klinger that it proved he was crazy 'cause he carried a teddy bear, I started thinkin' about it in the front of my head.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Radar, you can't prove anything about anybody by what he carries. MacArthur carries a swagger stick. That doesn't prove he's a general.