M*A*S*H (TV Series)
War of Nerves (1977)
Loretta Swit: Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan
Quotes
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Colonel Potter, I clearly saw Major Winchester touch his nose.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You naughty boy.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Colonel, I refuse to spend another seven and a half minutes scrubbing up because of this woman's paranoid hallucinations!
Col. Sherman T. Potter : She's a pretty good observer, Winchester.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I DID NOT TOUCH MY NO-- I did not touch my nose.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : You DID touch your nose! I SAW you touch your nose!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : It's the battle of the noses, ladies and gentlemen. Who do you think is ahead, Captain Hunnicutt?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Well, Winchester was ahead for a while, but he blew it.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Say, that's disgusting.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [about Maj. Winchester touching his nose in surgery] The point is he denies it! He's completely irrational! How do I know what he'll try to touch next?
Maj. Sidney Freedman : A-ha.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : What's that supposed to mean? "A-ha." I know an "A-ha" when I hear one. You think I'm infatuated with him, don't you?
Maj. Sidney Freedman : Is that what I think?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Well, let me set your mind at ease, Major. The only reason he goes for his nose is because it's the only living thing around here that would have him!
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Maj. Sidney Freedman : [about Maj. Winchester] I don't know. He seems like a decent person. Intelligent, a certain amount of wit.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : And money. Let's not forget his money which he's constantly flaunting in front of us with his laundered hankies and his monogrammed caviar. I suppose you think I find money attractive.
Maj. Sidney Freedman : I have no idea.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Money is far down on my list, Major. Money comes second, maybe even third.
[Long pause]
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Second.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Major Winchester, I'm terribly sorry. Would you mind stepping outside and scrubbing up?
Maj. Charles Winchester : [Chuckling] I kind of doubt that'll be necessary, Major. I just spent seven and a half minutes scrubbing.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Yes, but that was before you touched your nose.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I beg your pardon?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Your nose. You touched your nose. You're no longer sterile. If you operate now, you'll contaminate the field.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Of course. That is precisely what I would do, if in fact I had touched my nose, which I didn't.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Major, I saw you touch your nose!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Major, do you think my face is insensate? Don't you think if I had touched my nose, I would have felt it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I just felt something over my lip. Maybe you touched my nose.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : You touch his nose, Charles, you'll have to marry him.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : I have a problem by the name of Charles Emerson Winchester.
Maj. Sidney Freedman : Winchester is your problem?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : He's insane.
Maj. Sidney Freedman : Really?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : He has no grasp of reality.
[Chuckling]
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : For instance, uh, just to give you an example. It's insignificant really. He touched his nose in surgery and won't admit it! Is that crazy, or is that crazy?
Maj. Sidney Freedman : Classic. How often does he go for his nose?
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : [about Maj. Winchester] Anyway, the man is totally self-absorbed! What do you think of him?
Maj. Sidney Freedman : Well, he seems basically normal.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Uh-huh. In other words you think he's crazy about me.
Maj. Sidney Freedman : I do?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Well, I just wouldn't be too sure about that if I were you.