M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Trick or Treatment (1982)
David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester
Photos
Quotes
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Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Oh, my dear man. How can I discover what's wrong with you if you will not cooperate?
Pvt. La Roche : [Billiard ball is stuck in his mouth] Mmm-mmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Oh, I see. You want me to take your temperature. I can do that.
[Sarcastically]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : *Gaah* Do you realize you have something in your mouth?
Pvt. La Roche : Mm-hmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : What on earth could that be?
Pvt. La Roche : Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Oh, lookie. There's a little 6 painted on it. Could that be how old you are?
Pvt. La Roche : Mmmmm-mmmm!
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Now I see. You may not realize this, but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth. No sweat, there is an alternative: I'll just take your temperature the other way.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : When I was a kid, Halloween wasn't for getting pie-eyed. It was for getting the skivvies scared off of you.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Oh come now, Colonel. Hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds.
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[Major Winchester is treating a group of Marines who have partied too much on Halloween]
Pvt. Crotty : I sure made a mess out of my hand, sir.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : [Examining his mangled and bandaged hand] I hope you got the license number of the jaw that jumped in front of this.
Pvt. Crotty : It wasn't a jaw. It was a fan.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : A fan? Oh, a rabid admirer, eh?
Pvt. Crotty : Uh-uh. An electric fan. I bet this guy at Rosie's that I could stick my hand in it and pull it out before it got all sliced up.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Congratulations. You've just answered the question: What is the lowest form of Marine life?
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Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : Gentlemen, I want to thank you for taking up the time that we would have normally frittered away on casualties of a far less ludicrous nature than yours.
[to Private La Roche:]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : You will undoubtedly be returning to the pool halls of Montezuma.
[to Private Crotty]
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III : And you to receive advanced training in hand-to-fan combat.