- Hawkeye: [to North Korean soldier] Sorry, we're not in the capturing department; that's on the 3rd floor, next to linens.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [BJ is driving a jeep] Will you slow down to the speed of sound? I can't hear myself scream.
- Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Oh, Colonel, you know how you feel after you've been out all weekend, drinking cheap booze and eating chili dogs?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Yeah.
- Sergeant Luther Rizzo: I wish I felt that good.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Apparently the good Father's been most effective, Margaret. What these, uh, people appear to need now is rest and attention. In other words, nursing. I'll just pop out for a quick shower and a short nap. Let me know if a doctor's needed.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Step one foot outside that door, buster, and YOU'LL need a doctor! There are bedpans to be cleaned, linen to be washed. Someone'll have to turn to in the kitchen. You can start with the linen.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Start what with the linen, Major?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Washing it!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Margaret, surely you... jest.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Okay, you can start with the bedpans and work your way up.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it be my little secret.
- B.J.: [the farmer reveals a motorcycle with sidecar] I told you I'd get us out of here. Lost in the wilds of Korea, I lead you straight to Honest Fred's Used Motorcycle Lot.
- Farmer: Vroom, vroom.
- Hawkeye: Now who are we gonna get to drive this thing?
- B.J.: Pierce, this is your lucky day. You're looking at Spokes Hunnicutt, Mill Valley's finest surviving motorcycle rider.
- Hawkeye: Oh yeah?
- B.J.: We got no problem.
- [Looks in the gas tank]
- B.J.: We got ONE problem.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Feeling better, Rizzo?
- Army Sgt. Luther Rizzo: Hey Father, can I make a confession?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
- Army Sgt. Luther Rizzo: I murdered somebody
- [looks at Klinger]
- Army Sgt. Luther Rizzo: tomorrow.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [Hawkeye and BJ try to get a Korean farmer on his feet] Okay, first thing is, Fred, you're out of today's game.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, and the second thing is we gotta get him home. That can't be too far, can it?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: How do we do that?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Simple. I figure, uh, he'll be carried by all those who got us lost and walking.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Ah-ha. My mother always told me never to pick up strangers.
- [BJ picks up the farmer]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Ohh! Now I know why.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Major, when I say I want clean sheets, I want them clean, not battleship gray.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Major, I have slaved over this cesspool until my back aches and my hands--my hands are prunes!
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, Major, at a time like this, the less said about prunes...
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Pull over here. I think I see a parking place.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: All right, now Beej: We're gonna sit now. Try not to get lost on the way down.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'd love to give you a hand, Father. Is it safe for me to come in there yet?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [Someone throws a bedpan at Klinger] I'd say that's one vote No, Klinger.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: If you need me, Father, I'll be under my bed.
- Hawkeye: [Hawkeye, BJ, and a North Korean soldier all put their hands up] What's going on here, Beej?
- B.J.: What are you asking me for?
- Hawkeye: I think he's surrendering. Let's put our hands down.
- B.J.: Okay. You go first.
- Hawkeye: Thanks. How about if we just put one down?
- B.J.: Show some guts. Put 'em both down. And if he doesn't shoot you, I'll put mine down. If he does shoot you, I'll put yours up again.