- Father Francis Mulcahy: Ah, eating outside, I see. Very chic. Reminds me of the Via Veneto in Rome. I dined alfresco when we went there for an audience with the pope.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: *The* pope?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Numero uno.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Pull up a crate and tell us about it, Father.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Uh, no, I'm expected inside.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Father. Is it because we smell bad?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Well, uh... I, uh... Oh, dear. Oh, dear, how should I put this. Yes, because of that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Jesus ate with the lepers.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: He was an exceptionally good sport.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: That's it! The irresistible force is about to polish off the immovable object.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [holding a flattened horn] Colonel, what about my horn?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Oh, by all means, Winchester, bring it along. We'd love to hear it.
- Col. Potter: [Charles is constantly playing his horn and, in an act of protest, Hawkeye and B.J. have stopped bathing] Major, will you shut your mouth piece?
- Hawkeye: [Charles stops playing] Now why didn't we think of that?
- Col. Potter: I thought I told you kids to change your diapers.
- Hawkeye: Not 'til he stops tooting.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: I'm going to the garbage dump for a breath of fresh air.
- Hawkeye: Oh, you'll love it. The bluebottle flies are gorgeous this time of year.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Charles] Put down that horn. We have your head surrounded.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Captains Pierce and Hunnicut, take a shower, you dirty stinkers.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I take umbrage at that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I used to take umbrage, but it gave me morning sickness.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after talking a patient out of suicide he is leading the patient back to post-op] I'm too old for this kind of crap.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after a moment] I think I tore my shorts.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [When Klinger brings B.J. and Hawkeye their suppers outside] Can we get some water?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Only if you bathe in it.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Beginning at 2200 hours, you are all hereby confined... to the officers' club for the duration of the whiskey.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Barbarians! You Visigoths! Do you realize you've taken the last vestige of western civilization left here and you've run it under your pagan wheels?
- Col. Potter: [while he is trying to kill Saunders] Here, let me help you. You want death? We got plenty around here. Suck it in, punk! Come on! What's the matter with you? Come on!