- Maj. Charles Winchester: If that is a gauntlet you have just thrown down, I take it up with relish.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: One gauntlet with relish, hold the mustard and onions.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Well Pierce, not one witticism about the criminal returning to the scene of the crime? Not that...
- [they go outside Post Op]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: not that you wouldn't be somewhat justified. Look, I admit that what I did to that boy was totally inexcusable.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Uh, huh.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Well, perhaps not totally. After all, I had been in surgery for 14 straight hours! It was dark in there. But is that any excuse for misreading a label? I said, is that any excuse for misreading a label? Uh, not really. If that man had died, his blood would be on my hands. You might at least acknowledge that such a courageous man would admit it when he is wrong. You might at least say something!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [slams the door to the Swamp, staying outside] What do you want from me?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: At the moment, simple acknowledgment.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Look, Winchester, if you want to vacuum your conscience, why don't you go see Father Mulcahy? He's offering absolution right around the corner!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Why are you so unfeeling about my feelings?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I don't give a damn about your feelings! A man almost dies, and all you can think about is how it affects you. Only you!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Now just a minute!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You wanna know why you can't work in the dark? There's no limelight! Without an audience, a patient means nothing to you, you just don't care!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I care enough to be brilliant at what I do!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: OK, yeah, fine, yeah. Technically you're among the best around.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Ah! Now we're getting somewhere.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: But if I were hurt, I would want Hunnicutt or Potter to work on me.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: But if you say I'm that good..
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: They'd bust a gut to save a life, you wouldn't even work up a good sweat!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I was sweating when I saved that boy's life with that scalpel!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You didn't start to sweat until after you'd used the hypodermic.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Envy, isn't it, Pierce?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ha, ha, ha, yeah, envy.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: It's envy. Ah, I saw it at the beginning. You envy my skill, my expertise.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: All I envy is your hutzpah.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Don't you spit at me!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You sanctimonious Back Bay!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: That's enough! Do you deny calling me a superior surgeon?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Not quite, I called you a superior *sturgeon*. You're the biggest lox in Korea!
- [goes into the Swamp]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Winchester, does your immense vocabulary include the words 'Thank you'?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hunnicutt, let's not get maudlin.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Bringing a dead man back to life is a class act. It deserves some appreciation.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: What makes you think that man would die?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, for openers, he was paralyzed and couldn't breathe!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hunnicutt, a few of the facts. A, any emergency medical student knows how to resuscitate the patient. B, I know what you're thinking. And C, it wasn't even my fault!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [vehemently] Who speared this guy with curare? A passing pygmy?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hunnicutt, I was goaded into relinquishing that light bulb! If you would only open your eyes and see how dark it is in here.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: A, less light is no excuse. B, I know what you're going to say. And C, if you say it, you'll wake up in Fat Lip, Arizona!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Driver, what ignoramus is responsible for this?
- Sgt. Hacker: Ah, any one of a dozen, sir. Would you mind signing this, please?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Sign nothin'. We can't use any of this, Sergeant.
- Sgt. Hacker: It's all yours now.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Mule fritters! You've gotta haul it back to H.Q.!
- Sgt. Hacker: I'm sorry, Colonel. I'm not authorized for returns. Would you mind signing this, please? I'm overdue at the 8063.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Let 'em get their inflatable pool and swim fins an hour later. Didn't you wonder why you were delivering ice cream churns to a MASH unit in the middle of winter?
- Sgt. Hacker: Yeah, I used to wonder about stuff like that but it was keepin' me up nights, givin' me worry lines, so I cut it out.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Very wise.
- Sgt. Hacker: Y'know, Colonel, if I was you, I would try and look on the bright side.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [sarcastically] There's a bright side?
- Sgt. Hacker: Oh, yeah. Summer is just six months away.