- [at Hawkeye's wake]
- B.J.: For he was a jolly good fellow.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: He was a jolly good fellow.
- Everyone: He was a jolly good fellow.
- Hawkeye: I was much too young to die.
- P.A. Announcer: Attention all personnel: Come one, come all to a wake... for the late, great Captain Pierce. We'll be mourning all afternoon and evening. The deceased will deliver the eulogy. And the guests will have twenty minutes for rebuttal. Remains to be seen in the Swamp.
- Hawkeye: [lying in the morgue bus, as BJ tries to reason with him] I'm tired of death. I'm tired *to* death.
- Capt. Pratt: Well, you are, Doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell described in "Nineteen Eighty-Four" as an "unperson."
- Hawkeye: [Pounding on the door of the morgue bus] Hey, Digger, open up! It's me.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: What do you want, Doc?
- Hawkeye: [Climbing onto the morgue bus] The Final Reward, please, and step on it. Let's go, Digger, I'm not gettin' any younger. Where do I sit?
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Nobody ever sits on this bus but me, Doc.
- Capt. Pratt: In your case, we'll submit to Quartermaster a request to rescind the Certificate of Death on T.A. Form 10-stroke-249 in triplicate, accompanied by an SF88-stroke-1107, signed by three officers of equal or higher rank, followed by a personal written report on Form 63-stroke-EBY by a ranking officer who actually saw the deceased not die - uh, in triplicate.
- Hawkeye: What does all this come to when you boil it down?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: That is boiled down.
- [Dictating a telegram]
- Hawkeye: Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Where's the best place to look for casualties?
- Hawkeye: Try the mess tent. Hash eaters are your best bet.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Hey! Hey! I'm, uh, Lieutenant Detmuller of the uh, Quartermater Corps, Morgue Detail. I'm here to pick up a body. Who do I see?
- Hawkeye: I believe Corporal Klinger can assist you in this undertaking.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Not one straight man in the whole army.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: I'm lookin' for, uh, Captain Pierce.
- Hawkeye: You got him.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: You can't be Pierce.
- Hawkeye: You mean somebody pasted my face in this mirror?
- Maj. Frank Burns: [as Hawkeye is beating him up in the mess tent] Stop it! You're hurting me in front of people.
- Billboard over Officer's Club: MASH 4077th BEST CARE ANYWHERE
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: If you're alive, I'm in big trouble.
- Hawkeye: You're in trouble?
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: Three days ago, a body fell out of my bus onto the road. Last week, I came up another two bodies short. If I blow this one, they'll take me off morgue detail and put me on something worse.
- Hawkeye: What could be worse?
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: I don't let myself think about it.
- Lt 'Digger' Detweiler: You're not dead.
- Hawkeye: Don't jump to conclusions. I have a very good tailor.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Sir, if it'll help, I'll take his place. Just give me some sandwiches and drill a few holes in the coffin.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Out!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes sir.