M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Late Captain Pierce (1975)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Choppers approach] 

  Hawkeye : [sighs]  Wounded.

  B.J. : Klinger says a lot.

  Hawkeye : I don't care. I really don't. They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home; they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from they'll never run out.

• [at Hawkeye's wake] 

  B.J. : For he was a jolly good fellow.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : He was a jolly good fellow.

  Everyone : He was a jolly good fellow.

  Hawkeye : I was much too young to die.

• Hawkeye : [lying in the morgue bus, as BJ tries to reason with him]  I'm tired of death. I'm tired *to* death.

• Hawkeye : [Pounding on the door of the morgue bus]  Hey, Digger, open up! It's me.

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : What do you want, Doc?

  Hawkeye : [Climbing onto the morgue bus]  The Final Reward, please, and step on it. Let's go, Digger, I'm not gettin' any younger. Where do I sit?

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Nobody ever sits on this bus but me, Doc.

• Capt. Pratt : In your case, we'll submit to Quartermaster a request to rescind the Certificate of Death on T.A. Form 10-stroke-249 in triplicate, accompanied by an SF88-stroke-1107, signed by three officers of equal or higher rank, followed by a personal written report on Form 63-stroke-EBY by a ranking officer who actually saw the deceased not die - uh, in triplicate.

  Hawkeye : What does all this come to when you boil it down?

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : That is boiled down.

• [Dictating a telegram] 

  Hawkeye : Dear Dad, I am not dead. Stop. Hope you are the same. Stop. Thinking of selling my clubs? Stop. Spending my insurance money? Stop.

• Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Where's the best place to look for casualties?

  Hawkeye : Try the mess tent. Hash eaters are your best bet.

• Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Hey! Hey! I'm, uh, Lieutenant Detmuller of the uh, Quartermater Corps, Morgue Detail. I'm here to pick up a body. Who do I see?

  Hawkeye : I believe Corporal Klinger can assist you in this undertaking.

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Not one straight man in the whole army.

• Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : I'm lookin' for, uh, Captain Pierce.

  Hawkeye : You got him.

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : You can't be Pierce.

  Hawkeye : You mean somebody pasted my face in this mirror?

• Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : If you're alive, I'm in big trouble.

  Hawkeye : You're in trouble?

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Three days ago, a body fell out of my bus onto the road. Last week, I came up another two bodies short. If I blow this one, they'll take me off morgue detail and put me on something worse.

  Hawkeye : What could be worse?

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : I don't let myself think about it.

• Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : You're not dead.

  Hawkeye : Don't jump to conclusions. I have a very good tailor.

• B.J. : You can't go, Hawk.

  Hawkeye : I have to. The army says I'm dead. I can't disobey.

• Hawkeye : Yeah. Well, listen, Lieutenant, uh...

  Lt 'Digger' Detweiler : Detmuller. Call me Digger.