M*A*S*H (TV Series)

For Want of a Boot (1974)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frank Burns : [Hawkeye has thrown Frank a surprise party to buy off Margaret]  Pierce, Mclntyre, this is the happiest night of my life, buddies!

  Hawkeye : You want to share the happiness, Frank?

  Frank Burns : With the whole world!

  Hawkeye : Sign this.

  [Hands him Klinger's Section 8 discharge papers] 

  Frank Burns : Sure! What is it?

  [reads papers] 

  Frank Burns : Never! You're asking me to let a pervert out of the army?

  Hawkeye : Oh, right, Frank. By all means, let's keep the perverts *in* the army.

  Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Klinger's not a pervert!

  Margaret : How do you know?

  Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Because I'm one and he's never at the meetings!

• Margaret : [Offering Hawkeye and Trapper a deal that would stop her from sending a scathing report about Henry Blake to General Mitchell]  Today is Frank's birthday.

  Hawkeye : Yeah yeah...

  Margaret : I think a surprise party in the mess tent tonight, with a big cake and at least twenty people, and presents... might just stop my report.

  Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : It's a deal!

  Hawkeye : It is not! I have just run out of hypocrisy! My dignity tank is getting dangerously low! You expect me to drag twenty screaming people to a party for Frank Burns and paint smiles on their faces? And presents? Half this camp spends its time sticking pins in little Frank Burns dolls! I will debase myself just so far for a pair of boots! Ha! Party for Frank Burns?

  [Hawkeye then storms out of Margaret's tent, followed by Trapper, and immediately steps into an ice cold mud puddle with the boot with the large hole in the sole] 

  Hawkeye : I think I'll start with a few hors d'oeuvres, followed by baked ham and hot biscuits. If they'll stay hot, that's the only problem.

• Zale : Look, we made a deal. He didn't come through.

  Hawkeye : Do you know what I did? How I degraded myself? How I groveled, how I humbled, how I cheapened myself? All for a pair of miserable, lousy, army boots? I swear to you, as dedicated as I am to the sanctity and preservation of human life, if I had a gun at this moment, I would send my head across the tent!

  Zale : A gun takes six weeks. There's a terrific waiting list.

• Margaret : Henry Blake is a sham commander, a farcical administrator, and a spineless, irresponsible, lecherous old beanbag.

  Hawkeye : Margaret, we're not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back!

  Margaret : My report is going to General Mitchell!

  Hawkeye : Ah come on, reconsider. Henry's less than perfect, but we are a team!

  Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Yeah, it's just that he's been in one too many scrimmages without his helmet.

• [first lines] 

  Hawkeye : What did we get, Radar?

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Uh, it's a mistake: 500 diapers and 5000 pairs of rubber pants.

  Hawkeye : I'm glad you're all set for winter.

• Hawkeye : I'm warning you, I'm a doctor. I've been operating for a week standing on one foot. I'm a desperate flamingo!