M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Divided We Stand (1973)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frank Burns : Why is someone's appendix in this boot?

  Hawkeye : Because the other one is full of tonsils.

• Gen. Crandell Clayton : [catching Captain Hildebrand drinking on the job]  Captain Hildebrand!

  Captain Hildebrand : These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags.

  Hawkeye : Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war.

  Gen. Crandell Clayton : You had a mission here, Captain.

  Captain Hildebrand : Oh, I've done it. I can give you your report. In my short stay here I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses. I have seen voyeurism, fetishism, and a few isms I've never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General. These impossible people are in an impossible place, doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still, would be breaking them up.

• Major Margaret Houlihan : [about Hawkeye and Trapper]  There isn't a nurse in this camp they haven't tried to molest.

  Captain John McIntyre : Except the male ones.

  Hawkeye : Speak for yourself.

• Hawkeye : [speaking to Capt. Hildebrand about himself, Trapper, and Frank Burns]  We're thinking of going into practice together when we get home. Isn't that right, Trap?

  Captain John McIntyre : Yeah. We're going to open our own clinic, the three of us.

  Frank Burns : That's right. The three of us war buddies would run the place.

  Hawkeye : Frank would park the cars.

• Captain John McIntyre : Well, we did it again.

  Hawkeye : Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here.