M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Carry On, Hawkeye (1973)

Loretta Swit: Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg.

  [walks away as Radar stares at Margaret] 

  Margaret : [noticing Radar staring at her]  He's very sick.

• Hawkeye : [He's just given Radar a long list of orders]  Go!

  Margaret : [Upset that Hawkeye is giving orders]  Stay!

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : She outranks you. She's got more things on her uniform.

  Hawkeye : She's got more things *in* her uniform, but *go*.

• Hawkeye : You know that little shot you gave me for the flu?

  Margaret : Yes.

  Hawkeye : Well it worked. I've got it.

  Margaret : Are you sure?

  Hawkeye : I've got enough nausea to light up the city of Toledo, okay? First I'm hot, then I'm cold, and my knees are in business for themselves. My tongue has gone cashmere, and I'd like to find an all night latrine that takes servicemen. Now, have I got the flu or am I just in love?

  Margaret : Do you think you can operate?

  Hawkeye : I've got to. What am I going to tell the casualties? To stop bleeding until I feel better?

  [Hawkeye takes out the thermometer] 

  Margaret : I want to see if you've got fever.

  Hawkeye : Believe me. I've got fever to burn.

• Margaret : Roll up your sleeve.

  Hawkeye : Uh-uh.

  Margaret : What do you mean, "uh-uh"?

  Hawkeye : I want mine in my tushie.

  Margaret : What?

  Hawkeye : Derrière, the back of my front, the fleshy part. I can't take pain, I can only give it.

  Margaret : Alright, lower your trousers.

  Hawkeye : I thought you'd never ask.

• Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Pierce, in recognition of your outstanding service and dedication and as a token of our appreciation, this scroll has been signed by every member of the 4077th.

  [holds up a roll of toilet paper] 

  Lt. Col. Henry Blake : .

  Hawkeye : That really hits me where I live. Thanks.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Nice going, buddy!

  Hawkeye : I'll never be able to look at this without thinking of you, Frank.

  Margaret : You were superb.

  Hawkeye : Thanks, Chief.

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : [in white coat, acting like a doctor]  All right, people, let's break it up. I ordered bed rest for this patient.

• Margaret : I have to go now, Frank, but I'll be back.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Goodbye, Nancy.

  Margaret : Nancy?

  Maj. Frank Burns : You're the best receptionist I ever had.

  Margaret : Frank!

  Maj. Frank Burns : Honestly, Louise, we had to work late.

• Margaret : Frank, I'm in command now. I can get a lot of things changed, the way we want them.

  Maj. Frank Burns : That's terrific, Louise.

  Margaret : Louise? That's your wife.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Where? Where?

  Margaret : Frank, we're in Korea.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Oh. Oh good. She'll never find us.

• Hawkeye : Hi, dear. Having a tough day at the office?

  Margaret : Just filling out the daily report.

  Hawkeye : Add these.

  [Hands her a stack of papers] 

  Hawkeye : Pints of blood used. Pints of blood needed. Progress of cases reports. And on page six, you'll find my resignation. If you skip every other word, you'll see it's also a suicide note.

• Margaret : I'll tell you what you're not. You're not Commanding Officer.

  Hawkeye : Oh, yeah?

  Margaret : As a major, I'm next in command.

  Hawkeye : Okay, you take charge.

  Margaret : You've just been waiting for a chance to take over, haven't you?

  Hawkeye : Look, I want a command about as much as I want a scholarship to Devil's Island.

  Margaret : Let's have a clear understanding.

  Hawkeye : You won't take yes for an answer, will you?