- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: But I want you to know, that you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: What a coincidence, so have you!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Sir, I am so conservative that I make you look like a New Dealer, and I must tell you that to suspect Margaret Houlihan of political subversion is absurd.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: To suspect Margaret Houlihan of political anything is absurd.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Well, tell me what I can do.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: We need to be closer, Margaret. Much closer.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Closer?
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Right.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Margaret and Williamson kiss. Klinger steps out of the closet and snaps a picture] 'V.I.P. Makes Major Mistake.'
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: What was that?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: It's 10:00.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye, B.J., and Charles enter] Did someone flash?
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Uh! Uh, uh... There is someone in that wall locker.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: There is?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, my. You must...
- Maj. Charles Winchester: You're right, they're everywhere.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [B.J. opens the closet door] Klinger, is there someone in here?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, I've been in here 20 minutes, and I haven't seen anybody.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: What about the fellow you share this tent with? Winchester?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, R. Theodore, there is a true man among men.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Absolutely. But more than a man, he's a prince.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Tell me about him.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: He used to be a frog.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Of course not, only if they're sick.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Oh-- You wouldn't stoop to blackmail.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: What about you, you lecherous hypocrite? You're so sure I'm a Communist, but for a little tumble, you'd let me off the hook?
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Don't be absurd. I would never have let you off the hook.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: You mean you were gonna--and then you--You creep!
- Father Francis Mulcahy: You know, it's not my nature to be suspicious, but I found some of Mr. Williamson's questions highly personal.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I find his person highly questionable.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Klinger, did I get a letter from Mr. Williamson?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Oh, uh, yes, sir, Colonel.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I don't remember seeing it.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: When it came, sir, you were out. So I put it in the "Out" box. Course, now that you're in...
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Uh-huh.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Is everyone as dedicated as you are?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Ah, what do we care?
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Gentlemen, in my work for Congressman Lurie, I have unearthed some news that will come to you as a severe shock. The real enemy we are fighting is within America itself.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, wait a second. Suddenly, it all makes sense. We're in the wrong country. It's not North and South Korea who should be fighting. It's North and South Dakota.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We could be going home weekends.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: [a nurse passes by] Now, that is a very attractive woman.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, sure, she looks great in a uniform. But take it off and she's wearing nothing.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: I can hardly believe it. I've never been so close to an actual congressman, a man with his finger on the pulse of the nation.
- Congressional Aide R. T. Williamson: Well, actually, I'm not the congressman. I'm just his aide. Of course, I do have his ear.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Well, I've never been so close to a man who has the ear of the man with his finger on the pulse of the nation.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [Giving directions to post op to the visiting congressional aide] It's right across the compound. You can't miss it. It's filled with people getting better.