- Col. Samuel Flagg: Now read that back to me.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [reading dictation] Uh... Mary had a little lamb. Stop.
- [pause]
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: My dog has fleas. Stop.
- Col. Samuel Flagg: OK, continue. Mares-eat-oats and does-eat-oats, and I'll be home for Christmas. Signed
- [pause]
- Col. Samuel Flagg: Your loving son
- [pause]
- Col. Samuel Flagg: Queen Victoria.
- Col. Samuel Flagg: I have enough pictures of your file to have you executed for the rest of your life.
- Pratt: My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: But why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?
- Vinnie Pratt: If I know Flagg, he ordered the chopper to crash then got out and hit himself with a hammer.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: You're kidding.
- Vinnie Pratt: A switch on the way he infiltrated the CID last year: drove his jeep into a wall, then set himself on fire.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Is this guy available for children's parties?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: That Col. Flagg... he's a CPA.
- [everyone looks confused]
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No, honest. I heard him tell Col. Blake to keep it quiet. That he's here on a secret mission.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, you mean CIA.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I do? Wow!
- Pratt: If I ask the colonel to see the major's file and they're cosubversives, they'll pull the old dossier switch-a-roo, and I'll chalk up a zilch.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Boy I wish you came with English subtitles.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: He means he's gonna break into Frank's file tonight. Right?
- Pratt: It's called breaking and entering.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's a good thing you're a cop. Otherwise, that's illegal.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Those guys are doped up most of the time anyway.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Doped up on patriotism, fella! Something we're in pretty short supply of around here.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Here, here!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, we're running low. Get another order of "Yankee Doodle."
- Colonel Flagg: What's your clearance?
- Henry Blake: Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
- Colonel Flagg: I mean security wise.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Boy, did I ever hear something by accident in the office just now.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Giving the wall a physical again, Radar?
- Vinnie Pratt: My people want to know what Flagg's people are up to.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, why do we have to be in the middle? Can't you let my people go?
- Col. Samuel Flagg: You'll never know what hit you. Your toothbrush could go off in your mouth, you could find a tarantula in your shorts, we could booby-trap a nurse.
- Col. Samuel Flagg: Colonel, I want to talk to you in private, without the corporal.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, you can say anything you want in front of him.
- Col. Samuel Flagg: Okay, I will. Get out.