Leave It to Beaver (TV Series)

Wally's Haircomb (1959)

Hugh Beaumont: Ward Cleaver

Quotes 

• Theodore Cleaver : [Beaver wants Ward to hear him recite the poem he's memorizing for school]  I'm s'posed to memorize it. It's that hunk right there, Dad.

  Ward Cleaver : You mean this stanza here?

  Theodore Cleaver : Yeah, that's the hunk. Hear me on it.

  Ward Cleaver : Well, go ahead.

  Theodore Cleaver : Uh, you better give me the first word.

  Ward Cleaver : [patiently]  One.

  Theodore Cleaver : Oh, yeah. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore shall be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-sized village and farm.'

  Ward Cleaver : [amused]  Oh, no, Beaver, it's not 'middle-sized' village and farm, it's the county of Middlesex. It's in Massachussetts.

  Theodore Cleaver : Gee, Dad, we don't have to learn where the town is, we just gotta learn the poem.

  Ward Cleaver : Sorry.

  Ward Cleaver : [later, upstairs]  I just came up to see if Beaver would like me to hear his poem again, before he went to bed.

  Theodore Cleaver : Oh, sure, Dad. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore will be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-aged village and farm... '

  Ward Cleaver : Well, that's getting there.

• Ward Cleaver : Well, Wally, don't your mother and I detect a slight difference in the way you're combing your hair?

  Wally Cleaver : Gee, Dad, I didn't think you'd notice.

  Clarence Rutherford : Mr Cleaver, Eddie Haskell and all the guys are combin' their hair like that.

  June Cleaver : Well, Clarence, I notice that you're not.

  Clarence Rutherford : I would comb my hair like Wally's, Mrs Cleaver, but I got a funny-shaped head.

  Ward Cleaver : [trying to be tactful]  Oh, really, I hadn't noticed.

  Clarence Rutherford : Daddy says it's because when I was a baby, I slept on one side too much.

  Theodore Cleaver : Yeah, it is kinda lopsided.

  June Cleaver : [quietly]  Beaver!

  Ward Cleaver : Uh, you know, fellas, it's a funny thing, um, speaking of fads...

  Theodore Cleaver : We weren't speaking of fads. We were speakin' about Lumpy's lopsided head.

  Ward Cleaver : Yes. Ah, what I was about to say is, um, there are always a lot of fellows who follow every fad that comes along. But there are also always a few who, uh, well who have enough individuality to sort of go their own way. You know what I mean, Wally.

  Wally Cleaver : Yeah. Just like squares.

  Ward Cleaver : Uh, eat your vegetables, boys.

• Fred Rutherford : [on the telephone with Ward]  Our boy Clarence came home today looking perfectly ghastly.

  Ward Cleaver : Oh, Lumpy?

  Fred Rutherford : He's wearing a most distressing hair-do. He tells me he copied it from your boy. Frankly, Ward, it's destroyed the boy's looks.

  Ward Cleaver : [barely hiding his sarcasm]  Fred, I can't believe that's possible.

  Fred Rutherford : Yes, indeed. His mother's very upset. We sent him to school this morning, a fine, strapping boy. And tonight he came home looking like a rather ugly girl.