- Junie Harper: The complacency of fools will destroy them, Proverbs.
- Hank: Get out of my house, Exodus!
- [Explaining his Halloween costume]
- Dale: I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence... Who wants candy?
- Peggy Hill: Uh, Luanne took Bobby to Junie Harper's house for an anti-halloween church party.
- Hank: [chokes] I came very close to spitting out beer!
- Hank: Eat Wells. Sugar-Free Low-Fat Fun Bars. Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters, it's for diabetics.
- Hank: Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary. How is a dalmatian scary?
- Bobby Hill: They can bite you.
- Peggy Hill: Mm-hmm and 9 times out of 10, they go right for the groin.
- Peggy Hill: Now you hold it right there, Junie Harper. I go to church too, and I have raffled and bingoed and bake saled my way as close to the good Lord as you. So do not try to one-up me, because I will one-up yours.
- [Bobby is manipulated by Luanne to remember memories as evidence of Hank's sinister ways]
- Hank: You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like your old man!
- Hank: [back at Mega-lo-Mart] Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts?
- Hank: [Hank smiling deviously shoves a cracker with liver on it from Bobby's POV] It's just liver! It's not going to kill you!
- [as Hank laughs maniacally, his face contorts into a demon]
- Luanne Platter: It's not your fault, it's uncle Hank's fault. He's a Satanist
- Bobby Hill: Oh come on Luanne, that's the craziest thing I ever heard.
- Luanne Platter: It's true!
- Bobby Hill: Oh dang!
- Hank: [angry that Junie Harper has shut down their haunted house at the school] Boomhauer grab Hagatha, there only room for one witch in here.
- Hank: [looking over Halloween costumes] Elmo? Aladdin? Jenny McCarthy? I don't even know what these things are.
- Peggy Hill: [Enters the House, Sees Luanne Watching TV on the Couch] Have you seen Bobby?
- Luanne Platter: [Trying to come up with an excuse] Um, hmm, I think he said... he was going to... the gym.
- Peggy Hill: Luanne...
- Luanne Platter: Alright. I took him to Junie Harper's. He's a lot better off there.
- Peggy Hill: What are you talking about?
- Luanne Platter: [unsure, sounding coached] Well, I think that it's better for a child to receive wholesome impressions from established religious authorities than participate in rituals that are conducted by people who really don't even know that they are pawns of the Devil.
- Peggy Hill: Whoa, little missy! You just hold it right there! I have had it up to *here* with your baloney! I have taken you into my home, I have sheltered and fed you! But if you step between my husband and his son, I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage!
- Luanne Platter: But... but... I...
- Peggy Hill: Mm-mm. From now on, you leave the parenting to *us*! We get a magazine about it!
- [Peggy leaves, Luanne cries]