- Arthur Spooner: [as he gets out of a hot tub, naked] It's called gravity, Douglas, and it's coming for ya.
- Carrie Heffernan: [on the engagement ring] You really fell ass-backward into somethin', didn't you, hon?
- Salesman: So what are you going to do with the money?
- Doug Heffernan: We're putting this money in the bank for our kids' college. Well, right after we get the hot tub and the satellite dish... but then, it's going straight to the bank.