- Jack Benny: Two weeks from tonight, the day after Christmas, we're going to do our show from the San Diego Naval Training Station. We will have about 30,000 sailors watching us. I'm sure of that because that's an order.
- Rochester Van Jones: Don't forget to get a turkey. Remember what happened Thanksgiving. It was embarrassing. Eighteen people sitting around your table and nothing to eat buy mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.
- Jack Benny: Rochester, I tried to get a turkey.
- Rochester Van Jones: Well, this time buy one. You can't depend on raffles.
- Jack Benny: How much are the apples?
- fruit clerk: Oh we got a special today for the apples. Five pounds for a quarter.
- Jack Benny: Five pounds for a quarter? Well, give me one pound.
- fruit clerk: One pound a apple a coming up, yes sir.
- [puts bag of apples on the scale]
- fruit clerk: That's a six cents.
- Jack Benny: Six cents?
- fruit clerk: Six cents.
- Jack Benny: You told me they were 25 cents for 5 pounds. I only want one pound. That's 5 cents.
- fruit clerk: Well that's right, but this weigh a little more. Looka yourself. One pound 2 ounces.
- Jack Benny: I don't want one pound 2 ounces. I want exactly one pound.
- fruit clerk: Well, alright. One pound?
- [takes an apple out of the bag, takes a bite out of it and puts it back in the bag]
- Jack Benny: I have had the most awful time, this Christmas, trying to figure out gifts for people. Now, you know, I have to buy so many gifts personally for everybody, like, like for instance, everybody on my radio crew, everybody on my television crew, and my director and my producer, and the cameramen, and everybody in the radio orchestra, and everybody in my television orchestra. See, I, I've spent about $28 already and... God, I'm only half through.
- Jack Benny: The big problem that I have every Christmas is trying to buy a gift for Mary, you know, Mary Livingston. You see, because well, you know, she has everything. And the only thing last Christmas, I didn't have any trouble at all, because just before then, her maid quit, and she had to do her own housework, you see. So I bought her a mink mop. And it was very practical because, you see, she could mop the floor in the morning and then wear it to Ciro's at night.