- Ted: [Barney tucks in drunk Ted] Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar! Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours. His name is Windjammer.
- Ted: [over the phone] Hello, Robin, it's Ted.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, hi, Ted.
- Ted: [repeats] Hello, Robin, it's Ted.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.
- Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I have been vomit-free since '93?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, listen Ted. I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.
- Ted: [takes first shot] Let me tell you something about this brain, okay?
- [takes second shot]
- Ted: Pure alcohol cannot stop this brain.
- [takes third shot]
- Ted: This brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain.
- [takes fourth shot]
- Ted: This is a superbrain.
- [takes fifth shot]
- Ted: This brain is unstoppable. This brain...
- Older Ted: And that's all I remember.
- Ted: How easy do you think it is to sneak into the zoo? I need to see some penguins like, right now...
- Ted: Why do they call it karaoke, anuhow? Was it invented by a woman named Carrie Okey? These are the kinds of things I think about.
- Rude Waiter: Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.
- Lily: [Marshall, Ted and Lily discover Barney in the bathtub] What are you doing in the bathtub?
- Barney: The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
- Lily: Wait a minute, were you here when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?
- Barney: Don't worry, I slept through it.
- [Barney starts laughing and looking at Ted and Marshall]
- Barney: Haha, I totally didn't sleep through it! And boy, for a little girl, you've got a big tank!
- Barney: Check out table number four! See that little hottie on the end, she's short, but has an ample bossem. I love it, she's, like, half boob. Let's go.
- Ted: Yeah, and say what, what's are big opening line?
- Barney: It's, uh... Daddy's home.
- Ted: "Daddy's home?" You want us to go over to those girls, and say "Daddy's home." Really think about that, Barney.
- Barney: Hmm... Yeah, think it's pretty solid.
- Barney: Your brain screws you up, Ted, it gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with "Half-Boob", and its gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Phone rings] Hello.
- Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Hi Ted.
- Ted: Hello Robin, it's Ted.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Hi.
- Ted: You should be on 60 minutes. You should be one of the minutes.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Thanks... I guess.