How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Pilot (2005)

Bob Saget: Narrator

Quotes 

• Older Ted : [about seeing Robin for the first time]  It was like something out of an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor and turns to his buddy, and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."

  Ted : Hey, Barney. See that girl?

  Barney : Oh, yeah, you know she likes it dirty.

• [last lines] 

  Older Ted : That, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.

  Son : Aunt Robin?

  Daughter : I thought this was how you met Mom?

  Older Ted : Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.

• Ted : But even if I was ready, which I'm not, it's like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?"

  [Sees Robin on the other side of the bar] 

  Older Ted : And there she was.

• Older Ted : [voiceover]  The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.

  Robin : Wow. That is one badass blue French horn.

  Ted : Yeah.

  Robin : Mm-hmm.

  Ted : Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.

  Older Ted : [voiceover]  Son, a piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don't want to say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. But this was no ordinary girl.

• Older Ted : Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother.

  Son : Are we being punished for something.

  Older Ted : No.

  Daughter : Yeah, is this gonna take awhile?

  Older Ted : Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. I was 27, just starting out as an architect, living with your uncle Marshall. My life was good. Then your uncle Marshall went screwed the whole thing up.

  [flash to 2005] 

  Marshall Eriksen : Will you marry me?

  Ted : Yes! Perfect. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

  Marshall Eriksen : Right. Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

  Ted : Are you kidding? It's you and Lily. I've been there for all the big you and Lily moments. The night you met, your first date... other firsts.

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah... sorry, we thought you were asleep.

  Ted : It's physics, Marshall. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. Oh my God, you're getting engaged tonight.

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

  Older Ted : [V.O]  What was I doing? Here, your uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life and me? I'm calling up your uncle Barney.

  Barney : Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I've got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.

  Ted : Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

  Barney : Okay, meet me at the bar in 10 minutes, and suit up!

  Barney : [Ted walks in]  Where's your suit? Just once, when I say, "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.

  Ted : I did... that one time.

  Barney : It was a blazer!