- Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving?
- Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You?
- Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.
- Ted: Oh, right, I forgot, you guys are weird. You pronounce the word "out" "ouut."
- Robin: You guys are the world leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.
- Ted: ...Your cops are called "mounties."
- Ted: [together with Robin sees Barney among the volunteers at a Thanksgiving shelter dinner for the homeless] Barney!
- Barney: Hi, guys!
- Ted: What are you doing here?
- Barney: Just the Lord's work.
- Ted: But you're Satan!
- Barney: Guys! Ok. Look. I don't advertise it but I volunteered here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys.
- Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn.
- Clerk: [When Lily is buying a pregnancy test] Happy Thanksgiving.
- Lily: [Upset] Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Eriksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me.
- Clerk: You know the Eriksen's?
- Lily: [while waiting to look at a pregnancy test] Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father.
- Lily: [Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head] Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood.
- Marshall: What does it say?
- Lily: I'm afraid to look.
- Policeman: [Yelling from outside] It's negative.
- Lily: Thank God.
- [to Pete]
- Lily: And hey!
- Lily: You're playing hockey. With a basketball... and tennis rackets?
- Marshall: It's BaskIceball, the greatest game ever. We invented it. it's Awesome!
- Lily: Wait, BaskIceball? shouldn't it be Iceketball?
- Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Ice... Ket... ball? that just sounds weird.
- Marcus Eriksen: The game is BaskIceball. And I'm the best.
- Lily: Well, maybe that's just cause you haven't seen *me* play.
- [Lily throws the basketball to Marcus who throws it back to Marshall]
- Marshall: Well, it's not exactly a sport for girls.
- Lily: Well, that's funny cause your brother throws like a girl!
- [Lily throws the ball back to Marcus]
- Lily: [Marcus throws the ball hard and hits Lily in the face]
- [about having to do community service after being caught urinating in public]
- Barney: I was unfarely punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.
- Ted: You peed on a church?
- Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see, because I was drunk!
- Ted: [happily] You *are* evil!
- Robin: All is right with the world again.
- Marshall: Well, I'm glad you're safe... Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store?
- Robin: Have you met Ted?
- Ted: I am the aforementioned Ted.
- Amanda: Cool, so what do you do around here?
- Ted: Well... I... uh... I do nothing, absolutely nothing.
- Amanda: Well, I think I can find something for you and your girlfriend to do.
- Ted: Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
- Robin: I'm his ex-girlfriend. I just wasn't enough woman for him. Emotionally... or sexually.
- Robin: [Robin goes up behind Amanda] Oh... my... God.
- Ted: Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition.
- Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they "share a meal".
- Lily: Oh, Barney.
- Lily: I'm sorry, Native American.
- Barney: Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner.
- [Ted and Robin stare at him]
- Barney: And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth?
- Robin: Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot.
- Marshall: [about where they should raise their future children] Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood.
- Lily: Oh, so is New York.
- [Marshall's family laugh]
- Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.
- Judy Eriksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Eriksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Eriksen family seven-layer salad.
- Lily: Seven-layer salad?
- [Judy hands Lily paper with recipe on it]
- Lily: [Reading] Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right.
- Judy Eriksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups.
- [Places a large glass cylinder next to Lily]
- Judy Eriksen: Mayo's in that cabinet.
- Lily: [about why she doesn't fit in in St. Cloud] I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it.
- Marvin Eriksen Sr.: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes.
- Lily: You're gonna go play hockey?
- [Mr. Eriksen tosses a basketball to Marcus]
- Lily: With a basketball?
- Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskIceball.
- Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world.
- Lily: [Thinks for a second] BaskIceball? Not Iceketball?
- Marvin Eriksen Sr.: Iceketball? Just sounds weird.