- [Brad and Randy are in the school's Christmas play]
- Brad Taylor: I don't have any lines.
- Randy Taylor: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.
- Mark Taylor: So Santa's alive?
- Jill Taylor: ...Yeah; you sat on his lap at the mall.
- Mark Taylor: But there are a lot of malls; how can he be at every one?
- Tim Taylor: He's real fast for a fat guy.
- Jill Taylor: Actually, honey, I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers - you know, the way that Al is Daddy's helper.
- Tim Taylor: Right.
- Mark Taylor: [suddenly understanding] So *they* do all the work.
- Tim Taylor: [irritated] They *assist* Santa, like Al *assists* me.
- Tim Taylor: [advising Randy on his role in the Christmas pageant] Got an idea - right after you say your line "There's no room at the inn", add this: "You shoulda called our 1-800 reservation hotline."
- Jill Taylor: This family has the Christmas spirit, and when I'm finished sewing your costumes, you're gonna be the best-dressed Hebrews in Bethlehem.
- Randy Taylor: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
- Mark Taylor: What are you talking about?
- Randy Taylor: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
- Mark Taylor: You guys are poop-heads!
- Randy Taylor: OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago.
- Brad Taylor: Yep... you just missed out.
- Mark Taylor: Santa Claus isn't dead.
- Randy Taylor: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.
- Tim Taylor: I notice you don't decorate *your* house at Christmas, though.
- Wilson: Well, actually, Tim, I decorate within - I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.
- Tim Taylor: And you plug it in your belly-button.
- Tim Taylor: Mark is startin' to ask us questions about Santa Claus.
- Wilson: Mmm-hm, mmm-hm.
- Tim Taylor: Well, should we tell him he doesn't exist?
- Wilson: Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said, "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
- Tim Taylor: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
- Wilson: Technically, that's true; he died in the year 342.
- Tim Taylor: Well, then, who's at the mall?
- Wilson: No, Tim; I'm talking about the original Santa Claus - Saint Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people on his donkey with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
- Tim Taylor: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
- Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
- Tim Taylor: Well, hopefully, he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
- Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
- Tim Taylor: I thought you said Santa was dead.
- Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on... he lives in all of us.
- Brad Taylor: Anything for us, Santa?
- Santa Claus: Well, even though you boys no longer believe in me, Santa brought you a gift anyway. Brad, I got you a rubber band. And Randy - here's a button.