- Klink reluctantly falls in with two other Kommandants plotting against Burkhalter. Burkhalter finds out. Now Hogan must step in before Stalag 13 loses Klink the military way - by firing squad.
- Klink is caught in a conspiracy with Colonels Burmeister and Bussie to discredit General Burkhalter with the Gestapo. Burkhalter knows something is up and has the three arrested. Hogan, worried that a new Kommandant could replace Klink should he be found guilty, must come up with a plan to get Klink back on the General's good side.—tomtrekp
- As the POWs spend some time outdoors in the sunshine, Sgt. Schultz comes along to post a notice on the board, exclaiming that there's no need to come to attention. No attention is paid. Col. Hogan emerges from the barracks and reads the posted notice, an invite for Allied fliers to join the Luftwaffe. Now the prisoners' take notice.
Schultz claims it's all from the propaganda ministry and not to blame him for it. He mentions a little speech that's supposed to go with the notice but to just say, if asked, that he gave it. He's being a little coy, so Hogan plays along and asks for it. The speech asks for prisoners to leave their second-rate air force and forgo rotting away in prison to help shape the future by joining the Nazis in bombing raids against the Allies.
Hogan proclaims it a great idea - but for Allied use - and suggests recruiting defecting German officers to send into Allied prison camps to talk Axis prisoners into forming bombing raids on Germany, calling it "The Schultz Brigade." Hogan continues till Schultz, fearing retribution against him, rips down the notice and scurries away, saying he hears nothing, nothing.
In Klink's office, Kommandants Bermeister and Bussie (of Stalags 10 and 19, respectively) badger Klink into throwing in with them on a plot to discredit General Burkhalter in the eyes of the Gestapo, thereby allowing one of them to advance to general in his place. Klink is reluctant, as he regards Gen. Burkhalter as a friend, but Bermeister and Bussie, becoming exasperated, keep at it, pressuring Klink to join hands with them on the deal.
Listening in on them in Hogan's quarters, Hogan and his men realize Klink is risking his own future as well as their operation. If Klink DOES make general, the POWs will have to break in a new Kommandant, one who likely won't be as easy to fool. Same thing if Klink gets caught and shot for conspiracy. They listen back in, thinking the kommandant will chicken out on his own, but Klink is about to throw in with his peers.
Hogan decides he'd better put a stop to it before it's too late but is halted by Sgt. Schultz, announcing that Gen. Burkhalter has arrived and seized the camp. Anyone against this action or seen walking around will be shot.
Just as Klink is about to join hands to the conspiracy, Burkhalter enters. He's noticed their activities of late and, having informational sources of his own, knows what's going on. Klink explains that they're just getting together to share problems in running their prison camps, always trying to "build better mousetraps," but Burkhalter's no fool. They're in a plot to replace him, which all three men swear to the contrary. Burkhalter wonders which of them will save his skin by turning in the other two. Klink professes his integrity, saying that, even if he was in a conspiracy, he would never inform on fellow officers - but since he's completely innocent, he professes it was all Bermeister and Bussie's idea.
Burkhalter arrests all three, exclaiming that they will receive a fair trial before they're taken out and shot. As a favor for turning in the other two, Klink will be shot last.
In the evening, Hogan signals Schultz in order to visit Col. Klink (confined to quarters). "Halt, who goes there?" "Oliver Twist."
When Schultz forbids passage, Hogan inquires as to Burkhalter's whereabouts, as he wants to give the general a progress report on the Schultz Brigade. Fearful as to where this might lead (likely his own incarceration and death), Schultz begrudgingly allows Hogan passage.
Inside Klink's quarters, Hogan immediately berates him for not realizing what a good thing he had going for himself, a sweet situation he's just about to lose, all in an effort to become a general. Klink agrees and reveals that he's the only member of his class not to have yet made general. Hogan points out that many of those classmates have since been killed in action, with many more shot by the Führer himself. Would Burkhalter shoot Klink, the man who almost married his sister? Hogan lays out 20 to 1 odds in favor.
Klink wonders why he should be listening to abuse from Hogan just now. "To arouse your fighting spirit. Now we can plan."
Sparked by the idea that Hogan could help him out of being shot, Klink promises to be a more humane, a more understanding, and a less harsh Kommandant, but Hogan says he suits him just fine. Hogan instructs Klink to call him up as a witness in tomorrow's trial. How can that help when he doesn't know any facts? All the better not to be cluttered by them. Klink brightens at the thought of Hogan lying to save him. He never realized just how much, deep down, Hogan must really loves him. "Not just me, sir" says Hogan, "All the men." All the men, thinks Klink. He must live for them. As he drinks Klink's liquor, Hogan says it would help.
At the trial, Burkhalter declares he has heard all the evidence and is ready to pronounce sentence. Klink points out that none of the men charged (himself included) have heard this evidence. Burkhalter reveals that his sources are his own and that he has personally dictated all their confessions so that he can be sure they are correct.
Praising Burkhalter for his efficiency, Klink asks to call forward one witness in his defense. Burkhalter is against it as he has an important lunch engagement to attend - with Hilde - but says to call the witness forward and get it over with.
Delighted, Klink tells Schultz to call Col. Hogan. Without moving from his spot, Schultz shouts "Col. Hogaaaan!" Irritated, Klink tells Schultz to go GET Hogan. Schultz exits. Burkhalter is curious what Hogan has to say about this and tells Bessie and Bermeister, who have been standing at attention, to sit.
Shultz re-enters with Hogan. Klink begins to interrogate him, but instead of agreeing with Klink that he was only playing along to gather intel on Bessie and Bermeister's scheme, Hogan sides with the other kommandants and says it was Klink who was persuading them to act against Burkhalter but that they turned Klink down and threatened to expose him. Klink is aghast. "Isn't that what you wanted me to say?" asks Hogan, innocently enough. Burkhalter immediately dismisses Bessie and Bermeister but orders them to remain at Stalag 13 till his investigation is officially concluded.
Klink now swears that he never talked to Hogan at all. Burkhalter's reply is brief: Tomorrow, Klink will be shot.
Burkhalter leaves the room with Hilde. Klink, stunned and unsteady, lowers himself into a chair. Hogan leans forward to say, "Gee, these courtroom things are kind of tricky, aren't they?" With Klink sentenced to death, Schultz steps forward to say he's always admired Klink's Prussian helmet. Klink, not dead yet, shouts at Schultz to put it down.
Hogan walks in on Bessie and Bermeister celebrating their survival in their quarters by getting drunk. They are delighted to see Hogan, their surprise benefactor. Hogan brings them their new American Air Corps uniforms and explains that he fingered Klink because he's too tough a kommandant, cunning and cruel. Klink? Bessie and Bermeister laugh. Hogan continues that Burkhalter will keep investigating, and the Gestapo will get involved. He, himself, might even talk, but he'll get them out of Germany first. Bessie says they're career officers and can't defect. Hogan reminds them that so was Klink, who's being retired with a "ten gun salute." Bessie and Bermeister feel they can trust Hogan, but Hogan assures them that they can't.
Outside between the barracks, and under cover of darkness, Hogan meets Carter and Newkirk dressed as German kommandants. Newkirk admits he's has worse fits than his current German uniform - he borrowed his mum's swimsuit once when he was four.
Hogan checks their accents. Newkirk gives a gruff but passable "Jawohl." Carter, however, - "Jaw bowl" - has no accent at all. Hogan tells Newkirk not to say too much and Carter not to speak at all.
Gun check. Carter says Hogan has the real bullets while he and Newkirk have the blanks. Other way around, says Hogan. Carter agrees that he did it the right way but said it the wrong way. As they check their watches, Hogan turns Carter's loaded gun away from pointing at Hogan's face.
Schultz merrily sings an old Prussian march as he guards Klink locked up in the cooler. Hogan gets the drop on him. Schultz tells him he can't see Col. Klink. Hogan holds a gun to his face. "You CAN," says Schultz in surprise.
Inside, Hogan tells Schultz to open the door, but Klink, still smarting at being betrayed, says he won't go anywhere with Hogan. Hogan says it's a bigger matter than Klink's death as he's just seen Bessie and Bermeister break into Burkhalter's quarters. Schultz tells Klink he thinks that joining Hogan to ambush Bessie and Bermeister is an excellent idea, until Hogan says he can come along, too.
Outside Burkhalter's quarters, Carter and Newkirk don rubber Halloween masks, which Newkirk says gives Carter definition.
Hilde (fully informed of their gambit) announces "Bessie and Bermeister" to see Burtkhalter. Burkhalter, relaxed on the sofa, tells her to tell them to go away. Newkirk bursts in and holds the general at gunpoint, saying that Burkhalter convicted the wrong man - Klink was innocent - and that, after they shoot the general, one of them will take his place. Burkhalter, fearing for his life, says this is all so unnecessary as he was thinking of retiring and leaving his position to one of them, his dearest friends. Klink, of course, will be shot - he never could stand the man.
From outside, Klink calls for Bessie and Bermeister to surrender. "What a wonderful friend," declares Burkhalter. Newkirk and Carter push Burkhalter to the floor, switch off the lights, and break the windows to engage in gunfire. Newkirk aims high as told, but Carter forgets, prompting Hogan to shout at them to watch where they're shooting as Klink and Schultz run for cover. Bullets strike the woodpile Hogan hides behind.
Newkirk finally reminds Carter to shoot over their heads as they have actual ammo.
As a bullet ricochets off the barrel Klink and Schultz hide behind, Schultz bumps Klink out into the open so he can gain more cover for his larger frame. Klink quickly joins Hogan behind the woodpile.
Hogan advises against Klink's notion to call out the guards as they'd be apt to shoot Klink as an escaping prisoner. With bullets flying, Schultz asks if they shouldn't take that chance. Counting their shots, Hogan says he'll draw their fire.
Newkirk threatens to shoot Burkhalter if they don't cease fire. Hogan shouts back that Col. Klink will not be intimidated, which Klink then reiterates from behind the safety of the woodpile. On the floor, Newkirk tells Burkhalter not to raise his head, not even once. Burkhalter assures that he's not even considering it. Carter and Newkirk exit out the back.
Two muffled shots. "They've killed themselves," says Hogan and leads Klink and Schultz to Burkhalter's quarters. Why hurry if they're dead, asks Schultz.
Inside, they lift Burkhalter from the floor. Hogan checks out the back for Bessie and Bermeister as Burkhalter calls Klink his savior. Klink tells Schultz to call for the guards. Schultz, like earlier, simply shouts at the top of his voice for the guards till Klink says to go out and GET them.
Burkhalter now accepts Klink as a brother - and realizes that he could actually BE a brother: His sister is still on the market.
With the close call averted, Hogan excuses himself, but Burkhalter remembers that it was Hogan's false testimony which nearly got Klink executed. He asks for severe punishment, and Klink gives Hogan thirty days in the cooler. "Thanks a lot," says Hogan, and slams the door.
Outside, Carter and Newkirk (sans masks and German uniforms) bask in their success, but with thirty days in the cooler hanging over his head, Hogan grumpily tells 'em to knock it off.
Later on, in the barracks, Bessie and Bermeister (in American uniforms) decry being made the two most hunted men in Germany. Hogan reminds them that they wouldn't be running, and he wouldn't have thirty days in the cooler, if it weren't for them starting the whole thing with their conspiracy. He also reminds them of their new mission - to return to England and recruit fellow Germans to form the Schultz Brigade. Bessie wonders who is Schultz. Hogan calls him only the most courageous, intrepid, daring, gutsy... Schultz walks in, goes bug-eyed at seeing Bessie and Bermeister, declares he sees nothing, and exits. "That's Schultz," says Hogan as he guides the confused Bessie and Bermeister to the tunnels.
Klink invites Hogan into his office. Before he commits Hogan to the cooler, he'd like some help in deflecting marital ties with Burkhalter's sister. To hear Hogan's advice, he agrees to lift the thirty-day sentence and allows Hogan a cigar. Hogan advises the old "Soldier Routine" - could be sent off to battle any minute, your life's not your own, it'd be unfair to the little woman, etc. Klink is delighted but then realizes that Burkhalter's sister knows he's permanently stationed at Stalag 13. Easy, says Hogan. Tell her you're involved in a plot against Hitler. Klink is immediately alarmed at such a thing being spoken aloud in his office and checks the closed latch of his window. That would be sure death. Why would he say such a thing? "You might figure it was worth it. Have fun, Kommandant," says Hogan and exits.
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