- Cpl. Langenscheidt: The mess sergeant would like to know what you and your guest would like for dinner.
- Major Bonacelli: [speaks Italian] Antipasto, minestrone, pasta al dente.
- [Langenscheidt nods]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Langenscheidt! We will have potato soup, boiled potatoes, potato pancakes, sauerkraut, and sauerbraten.
- Cpl. Langenscheidt: Ja, Herr Kommandant.
- [he leaves]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [to Bonacelli] Bon appetit.
- [Bonacelli looks nauseated]
- [Trying to seduce an Italian major into becoming a spy, Hogan and Kinchloe place a radio call to a pizzeria in the United States, to get their pizza recipe]
- Submarine Captain: You want to get through to Garlotti's Pizzeria in Newark?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's right.
- Submarine Captain: May I ask, what for?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'd like to make reservations for dinner tonight. There'll be a hundred and three at 7:30.
- Submarine Captain: You know, Hogan, if you weren't one of *their* prisoners, you'd be one of ours!
- Major Bonacelli: In our camps, we have one firm rule. No prisoner is allowed to carry a gun.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: That is an excellent rule.
- [Bonacelli points to Newkirk, who is leaning on Schultz's rifle]
- Sgt. Schultz: Schultz!
- Sgt. Schultz: Ja wohl, herr kommandant.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Are you crazy, allowing a prisoner to hold your gun?
- Sgt. Schultz: There is no danger, herr kommandant. The gun is not loaded.
- Major Bonacelli: That's our second rule. All guards must carry loaded guns.