- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Sprechen sie deutsch?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Sydney Greenstreet] Fluently, sir, fluently.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [as Humphrey Bogart] Then droppen sie dead.
- [Col. Deutsch throws a grenade towards the POWs standing in formation. All but Col. Hogan drop to the ground. The grenade is a dud. Col. Deutsch laughs]
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Oh, Colonel. You seem to have dropped something.
- SS Colonel Deutsch: My compliments, Colonel. That is one of the grenades we will be using in our war games. Oh, tell me something. How did you know it was a blank?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Easy. For a live grenade, you would have been the first to run. You see, both you and I know you're not a member of a super race.
- SS Colonel Deutsch: After our war games, I shall teach you respect for the SS.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I doubt it.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [talking about the show for Klink] All right, now, the main thing is to keep them entertained till the job is done. We don't want our audience walking out on us.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: I will personally hold them spellbound with my repertoire of songs, dances and snappy patters.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I can hardly wait.
- Kinchloe: What would they be doing here?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Maybe they came to capture us again. Very thorough, the Germans.
- SS Colonel Deutsch: I never worry about prisoners. I never take any.
- Col. Klink: You don't?
- SS Colonel Deutsch: I like my enemy only one way - dead.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [as if gazing into the future through a German stick grenade] The war games they're having tomorrow: I see casualties. Lots of casualties.
- Kinchloe: Casualties in war games?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Ah, a few get hurt, sir.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: I see a lot more than a few.
- Cpl. Louis LeBeau: You want us to take on a whole SS regiment?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: No. We let them take on each other. Now picture if you will the fascinating consequences if this dummy ammunition, if used in the war games, is sprinkled with a goodly amount of the real McCoy.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [whispering loudly] Hey, Schultz!
- Sgt. Schultz: Halt! Who goes there?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: The Kaiser.
- Sgt. Schultz: The Kaiser...
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [showing Schultz items in a footlocker from which he can choose something to buy] A cigarette lighter. See the inscription? "To H. G. from J. G."
- Sgt. Schultz: [impressed] "To H. G. from J. G." What does that mean?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: To Hermann Goering from Joseph Goebbels.
- Sgt. Schultz: [unbelieving] How did you get it?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: [deadpan] Well, it was a mad weekend in Berchtesgarden, while I was...
- Sgt. Schultz: [cuts him off] NNNOOOOO... thank you! I am not interested in a lighter!
- Col. Klink: Col. Deutch, I'm Col Klink. This is indeed a great honor.
- SS Colonel Deutsch: [dryly] I know.