Plot

Nearby war games inspire Hogan to replace some of the blank German ammunition with live ammo, using Klink's birthday as a diversion.

Hogan and his men are determined to create chaos during some staged war games a ruthless Nazi colonel has scheduled near Stalag 13. So what do you suppose would happen if the fake explosives planned for the exercises were somehow replaced with live ammunition?—Anonymous

As the prisoners stand in formation, an SS truck enters the compound. Newkirk derisively declares that the three elite SS Nazis (dressed in their regular black uniforms) look like they're ready for a costume party.

Klink effusively greets the three men, calling their visit a great honor. "I know," says Col. Deutsch coldly, thus quickly establishing himself, and in the exchanges to follow, as a discourteous and contemptuous man - humorless too, unless it involves cruelty or humiliation.

Looking on, Hogan snidely suggests that the Germans, being very thorough, have come to capture them again.

Col. Deutsch will be conducting war games in the area and has come to warn Klink and his men to stay out of their way. He glares at the prisoners, asking Klink as he walks toward them if the pigs in his pigpen ever give him any trouble. Klink stands on his record: two hundred escape attempts without success. Deutsch never worries about prisoners, since he never takes any. The only good Ally is a dead Ally, which even Klink finds a little harsh.

Deutsch turns to one of his officers, removes a stick grenade from his belt, pulls the pin and throws it toward the prisoners. All the men but Hogan (who stands unflinching) drop to the ground. Schultz and Klink drop too. Deutsch laughs, highly amused.

Hogan calmly picks up the grenade, brings it back to Deutsch and says he seems to have dropped something. Deutsch offers his genuine compliments but wonders how he deduced the grenade was a dud made for the coming war games. "Easy," says Hogan, "If it was real, you would have been the first to run", knowing as Hogan does that he's no member of a super race. Deutsch threatens to teach Hogan respect for the SS after his war games are done. Hogan openly doubts it.

On the ground, Klink screams for help to get up, since big fat Schultz fell on top of him. Schultz gets up and helps Klink up, whose aid Klink angrily brushes aside.

Back in the barracks, the men praise Hogan's handling of the situation. Hogan, however, calls the grenade bit a beautiful practical joke, to which the POWs may have the last laugh. If Hogan has a nasty plan for them, LeBeau says to count them in.

As if fortune-telling, Hogan gazes upon the black dummy grenade (which he's brought back with him) and declares he sees casualties - lots and lots of casualties. The men wonder if Hogan's asking them to take on an entire regiment, but Hogan prefers the Germans taking on each other. Imagine the fascinating consequences if the dummy ammo is sprinkled with a goodly amount of real ammo. The men are excited.

Kinchloe calls Hogan a diabolical genius. Hogan says in school he was voted most likely to be a troublemaker.

Hogan relays his simple plan for raiding the camp arsenal. Kinchloe kills it by reminding the colonel that, whenever top brass visit, Klink usually tightens security and doubles the guard. Sure enough, peeking out the barracks door, Hogan sees for himself that Kinch is right; the guard is doubled at the front gate. He says he hates it when Kinch makes sense when he (Hogan) is on a roll.

Hogan says they need a diversion. Schultz enters just at the right moment, hears this suspicious statement and asks what's going on. LeBeau declares they were merely playing Ring-around-the-Rosie, which is unfamiliar to Schultz. Hogan begins to explain that it's a code word for a secret Allied operation... but Schultz cuts him off. He does not want to hear anything more since there's been enough trouble with that crazy, dead grenade gag from the SS.

Schultz only came seeking to buy a birthday gift for a man. Newkirk takes him to a well-stocked footlocker. Since the unnamed man in question already has a watch, Newkirk suggests a cigarette lighter, particularly one with the inscription "To H.G. from J.G." What does this mean, asks Schultz. "To Hermann Göring from Joseph Goebbels." Schultz, alarmed, inquires how Newkirk got it and Newkirk starts to spin a story about a mad weekend in Berchtesgaden. Totally repulsed, Schultz declares disinterest in a lighter and moves to leave the barracks. Newkirk chases after him with a pair of gold-painted horse head bookends. Now that will do nicely and Schultz pays for them. Newkirk charges him $3.95; Schultz gives him $4 in American money and tells him to keep the change.

In exiting, Schultz lets slip that the gift is for Kommandant Klink, whose birthday is today. "It's funny, he didn't tell me," says Hogan. "Why should he tell you?" counters Schultz. "A dear friend you are not."

Schultz exits, Hogan internal wheels begin to spin, and he thinks he's found the diversion he seeks.

In his office, Klink finishes dictating a letter to Hilda that must go right out. In meaning to leave the office, Hilda almost collides with Hogan who was about to let himself in. Klink acknowledges Hogan but Hogan focuses on Hilda's perfume instead, accurately identifying it as Starlight Mist. As Klink tries to get Hogan to say why he's come, Hogan tells Hilda she usually wears Fragrance of Paradise or Evening Passion. She's obviously pleased but never thought he noticed. "Colonel Hogan!" demands Klink.

Hogan reveals he likes Fragrance of Paradise and Evening Passion but Starlight Mist is the best yet - a little bit strong but with a delicate, soft quality. "Don't you agree, Colonel Klink?" Klink declares Fragrance of Paradise his personal preference, saying it's not quiet so heavy... then realizes he's being made a fool by trivia and demands Hogan state his business. Hilda exits.

No business. Hogan's come by to congratulate Klink on his birthday. Though Klink thinks his age is none of Hogan's business, he is nonetheless flattered by Hogan guessing thirty-eight. Thirty-seven? Klink happily reveals he is fifty years old. Hogan expresses astonishment. Klink declares it the result of healthy German living.

Surprisingly, Hogan's men want to make Klink's birthday a memorable one. Klink may be their most hated enemy but one they've come to respect for the fearsome man he is. Klink may allow himself a quiet dinner with a few of his staff, but that's all since he must keep up his vigilance as kommandant.

Hogan hangs his head. There goes their big plans. Klink asks what big plans he has in mind. It was going to be a show. "A show just for me?" queries Klink. This gives him second thoughts. Yes, he'll permit it, since the POWs will all be there under his supervision.

Hogan suggests inviting Col. Deutsch. Klink doesn't think Deutsch likes him very much, so Hogan suggests sending Hilda along with a personal invitation, wearing Starlight Mist, after all. Deutsch might even enjoy an evening of relaxation that might lead to putting in a good word for Klink. Klink agrees it would make for a nice diversion, taking the word right out of Hogan's mouth.

Outside, Hogan emphasizes keeping the Germans enthralled with the show so as to not walk out on them. LeBeau will anchor them to their seats with his repertoire of songs, dances, and snappy patters. Hogan sarcastically says he can hardly wait.

Kinchloe identifies another problem. Sgt. Richter, "Old Ironsides," will be in charge of the guard detail at the arsenal. Hogan must make sure there's a change in the guard - Schultz.

Later on, Schultz questions Newkirk's claim of finding a bullet laying in the compound. Impossible, says Schultz, as Germans run a very neat army. Newkirk claims there was only one bullet, but Schultz' search pulls open Newkirk's coat and reveals a coat-load of bullets. "Well, how did I know a blooming bullet could breed?" says Newkirk.

Klink interrogates Hogan and Newkirk, where Hogan finally admits he got the bullets from the arsenal when Sgt. Richter was asleep - something that couldn't have happened if Eagle-eyed Schultz had been handy. Klink immediately assigns Schultz to guard the arsenal, which means Schultz will miss Klink's birthday show. Klink - "Di-i-i-i-ismissed!" Schultz - "Hap.... py Birthday."

Klink doesn't find it very nice of Hogan to make trouble on his birthday, and Hogan says he just hates himself sometimes.

It's nearly showtime. Klink enters and sits down next to Hilda. Deutsch silently gestures for Klink to move over one seat so that he may sit next to Hilda instead. The show starts.

The curtain opens with Kinch, LeBeau, and Newkirk singing and dancing a welcoming song. Klink is amused but Deutsch is not, saying the song wasn't Wagner.

Newkirk continues with impersonations of Peter Lorre, Humphrey Bogart, and Sydney Greenstreet. Only Klink among the Germans is amused.

LeBeau comes out next singing a peppy rendition of "Alouette" as Hogan slips out to steal ammo.

"Who goes there?" asks Schultz. "The Kaiser," responds Hogan. He's brought Schultz the first piece of birthday cake to enjoy, a big piece. Meanwhile, POWs dressed in German uniforms raid the building from around the corner.

Mission accomplished, Hogan leaves Schultz to finish his cake. As Newkirk keeps the show going with a magic act, Hogan, now wearing a German uniform, prepares to drive out of camp to add the live ammo amidst the war game blanks.

Klink turns to see that Deutsch is having a good time, but Deutsch finds Newkirk's magic act to be terrible and rises to leave.

Newkirk halts the exit with an egg-in-the-hat magic trick, using Klink's cap. Newkirk says two 'magic spells', neither of which works. The trick fails, leaving a gooey mess of cracked eggs inside. For the first time, Deutsch is amused with the show, and he stays.

Klink's cake is finally presented, very large and covered in trick candles that can't be blown out. As Klink huffs and puffs, Deutsch declares him a disgrace to the physical fitness of the German army. Seeing Hogan returned, Newkirk finally reveals that they've used trick candles. Klink's been had, and Hogan steps out to get everyone singing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," leaving Klink no outlet for addressing his humiliation.

The next day, humiliation forgotten, Klink thanks Hogan for his birthday show. A phone call comes, revealing a terrible tragedy at the war games that prompts Klink to call the hospital and immediately have all aid sent to the war games area. The entire command post was wiped out by a hand grenade, and a crack SS unit is out of commission. Klink might suspect Hogan's involvement if it weren't for his putting on last night's show. "On your birthday?" asks Hogan in all seriousness.

Schultz enters the barracks to buy another gift, this time for his brother-in-law. Confirming that he drinks beer (all the time, in fact), Hogan has Newkirk bring out the new beer stein they just got in - a beautiful heirloom with the initials A.H. Hogan tells a suspicious Schultz that it's from Hitler's private collection, which today and only today he'll sell at the ridiculously low price of... but Schultz, fearing to even touch it, resolutely decides to send money and let his brother-in-law buy his own gift.