- Col. Wilhelm Klink: A-ha, those Staff Officers they are so clever.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink! I am a Staff Officer!
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I did not mean you, sir. You're not clever.
- Col. Hogan: Nobody tells me anything around here.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: That's the way it should be.
- Col. Hogan: That makes me feel unloved.
- Sgt. Schultz: Colonel Hogan, I know nothing. Nothing!
- Col. Hogan: You don't even know what I'm gonna ask.
- Sgt. Schultz: I don't care. I know nothing about everything.
- Major Kohler: May I ask, do you really suspect Colonel Klink of disloyalty?
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Disloyalty? No. Stupidity? Yes.