- The aristocratic Colonel Klink fails a routine physical exam and lands a combat assignment at the Russian front! Fearing a hard-line replacement at Stalag 13, the men must do all they can to rescind Klink's marching papers.
- At the start, Hogan is with two British RAF sergeants about to be taken out of camp through the tunnel. Upstairs in the barracks, the men are trying to get a hen in a cage (actually a rooster) to lay an egg; it just sits there. Hogan and Kinchloe come up through the tunnel under the bunk entrance. After Hogan orders it "as your commanding officer" to lay an egg, an egg finally rolls into a catcher's mitt. Schultz then comes into the barracks and asks about a souffle He then tells Hogan that Klink is talking to a personnel officer Colonel Bessler in Klink's office.
In Klink's office. Klink and Bessler are drinking schnapps. Klink tells Col. Bessler that he was with the 410th Bomber Group before he was assigned to STALAG 13, and that he was called 'The Iron Eagle', flying Heinkels. Klink shows Bessler a picture of the outfit. Colonel Bessler says that he is on a recruiting mission for officers to go to the Russian Front. Hogan, LeBeau, and Kinch are listening into the conversation on the coffee pot in Hogan's office. Hogan says that Klink is being set up, as if Klink could hear him. Klink falls for Bessler's sales pitch, and talks himself into a transfer to the Russian front, provided he can pass a physical examination. Klink says that he is a bit rusty on current techniques; Bessler says that they will brief him in the latest techniques. A flight surgeon will come by next week for the exam.
Still listening in, Newkirk tells Hogan that if they transfer Klink, then "we might get another kraut that we can train", but Hogan doesn't think so. Hogan says that they have to figure out a way to stop the transfer. Carter says that maybe he won't pass the physical; Hogan says that Carter has a point.
Hogan goes to Klink's office. Klink tells him that he has orders to the Russian front. Hogan gives Klink a wallet; in it is a card 'In case of death notify ....'. Klink sees this, and slams the wallet down. Hogan tells Klink that he might not pass the physical, that he might catch cold or pneumonia. Hogan eventually talks Klink into trying to fail the physical. Hogan leaves and says 'Don't forget to write'. Klink gets nervous.
In the compound, Klink catches Schultz eating a big sandwich while supposedly on duty, but instead of putting him on report, asks for half of the sandwich. Hogan catches him, and Klink puts it down. That night, Hogan, Klink, and Schultz are outside Klink's office with a cot for Klink. Klink then tries sleeping outside without a uniform or cap, trying to catch cold, but it doesn't work.
Hogan comes to Newkirk, Carter, LeBeau, and Kinch with the word that Klink is to take the physical in 48 hours, so he tells the men to keep Klink awake in shifts, and Klink is not to fall asleep for 48 hours. First shift, Carter is talking to Klink in Klink's office; that doesn't work, as Klink keeps falling asleep. Next, Schultz is talking to Klink to keep him awake. Klink tells him to keep talking. Klink asks for Schultz's philosophy of life. Schultz gives it to him: 'When it rains, it pours'. But Schultz falls asleep; Klink seems mad. Then Newkirk is playing cards with Klink trying to keep him awake, but Klink falls backwards off the chair asleep. Newkirk looks at the cards and says 'No wonder you people lost the last war'.
When the Luftwaffe doctor arrives to examine Klink. Hogan goes into the exam room, Klink's quarters, with him. The doctor tells Klink that he is in terrible physical condition, but that he has the one qualification for transfer: he is breathing.
The next day, General Burkhalter then arrives with the orders, and Klink reads the orders and is relieved by Captain Fritz Gruber. One prisoner says 'Attaboy, Fritz baby'. Gruber gets mad and takes away privileges. Later, Schultz with two other guards comes into the barracks and announces roll call. Gruber has ordered surprise roll calls. Hogan tells Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau to take off through the emergency tunnel and hide in 'the standard hiding places'; Hogan will report them missing.
Gruber then tells Burkhalter that three prisoners have escaped in the middle of the night. Burkhalter tells Gruber that these escapes will be on the general's record as well as Gruber's record.
Klink is in his quarters in a smoking jacking, looking out the window. Hogan asks Klink if he is packed; Klink is all packed. Hogan asks Klink if he wants to stay. Hogan tells Klink that if he finds the missing prisoners, he might not go to the Russian front. Hogan convinces Klink to search for the prisoners, and tells Klink where they are: in a barn at a farm, in a cave by a bridge, and in a haystack by camp.
In Klink's office, Burkhalter and Gruber are talking to Hogan. Hogan tells Burkhalter that they 'walked in their sleep'. Hogan opens the office door, and finds Klink listening. Klink says that he wants his copy of Mein Kampf. Burkhalter asks Klink where they are, and tells Klink he will tear up the transfer papers if he finds them. Burkhalter tells Klink to get started, and leaves.
At the end, Schultz is sticking a rifle without a bayonet into a haystack, finding nothing. Hogan says that he better be there, referring to Carter. Carter comes out from behind a building and surrenders. Schultz finds LeBeau sleeping in a cave, and LeBeau tells Schultz to let him sleep for another hour, but Schultz hauls him off. Schultz finds Newkirk in a barn with a woman; Newkirk kisses her and gets in a truck. Schultz take all 3 into a truck and back to STALAG 13. Klink's transfer is canceled.
Back at camp, Klink gives Newkirk, Carter, and LeBeau 30 days in the cooler. Hogan talks him out of it, saying that he will tell 'the whole story, including lies'. Klink says that 30 days is too harsh. Schultz asks if this means that Klink will not go to the Russian front. Hogan agrees with the statement.
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