- Arnold: Maybe it's... rats?
- Arnold's Grandpa: Rats? There's no rats in the boarding house. 'Cept Oskar.
- Oskar: That's right. There's no ra- Hey!
- [Reading Dino Spumoni's Will]
- Executor: "And I leave my extensive collection of paintings to be equally divided among my five ex-wives-except Bunny, who gets jack-squat."
- Bunny: Aw, nuts! Take me home, Chooch!
- Don Reynolds: What can you say about a guy like Dino? He was a mean, bitter, selfish, arrogant, back-stabbing... A nasty human being! But Dino had another side, too... He was also a sniveling coward.
- Mr. Hyunh: The ghost of Dino is angry. We must offer him a big fish to make him not so angry. His stomach will be full and then he will go away.
- Ernie Potts: That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Let's do it.
- Arnold: I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but the truth is Dino's not really a ghost.
- Arnold's Grandpa: Oh, I know.
- Arnold: You know?
- Arnold's Grandpa: Course I know. I may be feeble-minded, but I'm not stupid.
- Arnold: How did you know?
- Arnold's Grandpa: Ghosts don't take showers.
- Arnold: Oh.
- Arnold's Grandpa: They take baths!
- [chuckles]
- Arnold's Grandpa: Y'know, for a nine-year-old, you sure like to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. You oughta be out playing with your little friends. Why don't you go out and play some stickball or go see a movie?
- Arnold: Grandpa, it's two o'clock in the morning.
- Arnold's Grandpa: There's always a downside with you, isn't there?
- [after the real Dino has revealed he is indeed alive]
- Ernie Potts: Hey, Oskar, he's not dead! I want my two bucks back!
- [after knocking out his own impersonator]
- Dino Spumoni: Well, youse all came to see a show. Seein' as how I just K.O.'d da headliner, maybe I can fill in. I mean, uh, I may not be DIno-Mania, but I'm an incredible simulation.