- Hank Kimball: A county agent's gotta keep his ear to the ground.
- Sam Drucker: That's explains how you got all those rocks in your head.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, here a man can practice the law of Abraham Lincoln.
- [a fife begins playing "Glory Glory Hallelujah" in the background]
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: You know, it was in a town no bigger than this where Lincoln first hung out his shingle, dedicating his life to bringing the protection of the law to all people, regardless of race, creed or color.
- Lisa Douglas: [noticing soundtrack] Oliver, the fife player has a new tune!
- Eustace Charleton Haney: [showing the office he's trying to rent to Oliver and Brian] Now let me show you it's other advantages. Running water!
- [points out water cooler in closet]
- Eustace Charleton Haney: Now over here we have this burglar-proof wall safe for your important documents.
- [opens safe and the outdoors is visible]
- Eustace Charleton Haney: Doggone, somebody swiped the back off of it!
- Brian Williams: You said this place had three rooms.
- Eustace Charleton Haney: It does. There's this room and two others down the hall. One marked "Men" and another marked "Women."