- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.
- Librarian: Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, as long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household. It's for my mother. I don't want to give her any ideas.
- Blanche Devereaux: Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband. Oh, except for that one time, but, now, that was not my fault. She was pronounced dead. Those paramedics never give up.
- Blanche Devereaux: I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people. Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a young-un?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You mean besides using phrases like 'neck of the woods' and 'young-un'?
- Blanche Devereaux: They burned books! The townspeople made a big pile of 'em out in front of the library, and they threw a torch on top. Only, Big Daddy was outraged. He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch, and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doin'? This is lunacy. You start a fire from the bottom!"
- Blanche Devereaux: [Rose wants to keep a puppy she has bonded with] Rose, the answer is 'No'.
- Rose Nylund: Well, that's not fair. Last week you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.
- Blanche Devereaux: There, you see, you don't need a dog. If you're lonely, get yourself a man.
- Rose Nylund: I don't want a man. I just want to come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, and lick my face, and fetch a ball when I throw it.
- Blanche Devereaux: You can get a man to do that.
- Sophia Petrillo: Please! Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What do you know about this, Ma?
- Sophia Petrillo: Picture it Sicily, 1914. A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman. It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.
- Blanche Devereaux: [coming on to a man in the library] Hi, whatcha readin'?
- Blanche Devereaux: [she looks at the spine of his book] Ohhh, you must be a passionate man. 'Females to Fondle'.
- Ted: Well, it's volume seven of the encyclopedia.
- Blanche Devereaux: [on a first date, Blanche brings along Sophia and introduces her as her Grandmother] Having a chaperon is an old Southern tradition. Grammy here brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, and make my own clothes.
- Sophia Petrillo: We was po'.
- Ted: Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperon.
- Blanche Devereaux: Well, as I said, it was a tradition. We Southern families stick together.
- Sophia Petrillo: We sho' do.
- Ted: Well, I suppose it's been nice, having someone look after you since you were young.
- Sophia Petrillo: I had to. When she was fifteen, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies. Picture it: me with a crowbar, prying cousins off, left and right.