- Chief: How in the world did you men find us?
- Deliveryman: Well, we stopped at a gas station, and I asked a man, eh, if he could tell us how to get to eh, Control headquarters.
- Chief: And he knew?
- Deliveryman: No, he didn't know. But, eh, there were a couple of kids putting air in their bicycle tires, and, eh, they knew.
- 99: I don't know what assignment the chief had in mind when he had you grow that moustache, but it looks perfect with your costume...
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know either, 99, but it certainly presented a problem.
- 99: Why?
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I didn't know whether to come to the masquerade as D'Artagnan, Dickie Smothers or Anna Magnani.
- Maxwell Smart: I did get rid of Basil, didn't I?
- Colonel Von Klaus: Yes, but not Basil's aide, someone far more treacherous, and deadly.
- Maxwell Smart: Basil's wife?
- Colonel Von Klaus: [rolls his eyes] No, Rupert of Rathskellar.
- Maxwell Smart: Of course. Rotten, ruthless Rupert of Rathskellar.
- Colonel Von Klaus: He's a handsome devil. A dazzling swordsman. And the women of Coronia find him irresistable.
- Maxwell Smart: And how do the men find him?
- Colonel Von Klaus: He's in the phone book.
- Chief: All I asked for was a moustache, you call that a moustache?
- Maxwell Smart: [touching his bushy beard] Well, there's a moustache under here someplace, Chief.
- Chief: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
- Maxwell Smart: It is?
- Chief: Yes.
- Maxwell Smart: Then don't do it.