- Maxwell Smart: You keep soap in your pocketbock?
- Agent 99: Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.
- Maxwell Smart: Well what do you keep in the carrying case?
- Agent 99: Soap.
- Agent 99: How are you,8 ½?
- Agent 8 ½: [hiding in a bowling ball return] How am I? Terrible! I keep forgetting to duck every time the ball is returning. I've got a bump on the back of my head the size of a bowling ball. Wait a minute, that is a bowling ball
- [ducks, letting the bowling ball slide over him]
- Chief: [having just been drenched by a passing car] I'm gonna murder Schleppenheimer for inventing this Hydrant-phone.
- Chief: [on fire hydrant-phone] Max, this could be the work of the League of Bald Headed Men, that's KAOS' smuggling unit. They're clever and ingenious. There's nothing they can't accomplish.
- Maxwell Smart: [on steering wheel-phone] How come they can't grow hair?
- Chief: Max, they don't wanna grow hair, that's their trademark. That's how they identify each other.
- Maxwell Smart: Alright, Chief, I'll keep my eyes open. In the meantime, you pick up Yul Brynner and Dean Rusk.
- Jeweler: Can I help you?
- Maxwell Smart: Yes, I'm looking for a diamond engagement ring for my fiancée. Money is no object.
- Jeweler: Eh, what price did you have in mind?
- Maxwell Smart: 80 dollars.
- Maxwell Smart: It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.
- Agent 99: And where is that?
- Maxwell Smart: Fourth and Spiegel.
- Chief: Absolutely brilliant!
- Maxwell Smart: Thank you Chief.
- Chief: Oh, not you, Max, I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds.