- George Lopez: [when Benny passes out] We got eight hours until she wakes up, we can leave her in Mexico. We put her in a Pikachu costume, put a sign on her, saying "Beat me, I'm filled with candy!"
- George Lopez: [to Benny] I can't believe you never let me drive your car all those years because you were worried about me getting hurt.
- Benny: You're not that special, drop it.
- George Lopez: Is that why you never let me play football?
- Benny: Look, George. If I was going to find a helmet to fit your head, I would have to take out the padding. I was already growing tomatoes out in the backyard, I didn't want another vegetable in the house.
- Gina: I'm in the mood for a little Mexican. What time do you get off work?
- George Lopez: Gina, there are some jobs even us Mexicans won't do!
- Max Lopez: Grandma stunk up the whole downstairs.
- George Lopez: Oh yeah, that's her own special aroma: a blend of whiskey, tobacco, sweat, and one dead tooth. It's called
- [gags]
- George Lopez: .
- Angie Lopez: [sees Benny clipping her toenails on the kitchen table] No! We are PEOPLE, dammit! Outside! Outside!
- Carmen Lopez: [chatting up a guy at Thirsty's] Cool, you have your own card. What exactly does a stockbroker do?
- George Lopez: [comes up on them] He goes to prison for picking up 17 year old girls in bars.
- [man leaves]
- Angie Lopez: George, would it really be the worst thing in the world if we helped your mom out and bought her a car? It doesn't even have to have air bags, or brakes!
- Benny: [at a drive-thru, to George] I'll have a large cheeseburger. Oh sorry, I was speaking into the wrong big clown head!