- [as Bender is being walked to the execution chamber]
- Robot Cellmate: Hey, Santa. When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm a-coming.
- [Bender walks to the next cell, where the Robot Devil is]
- Bender: Hey, that guy said to tell you...
- The Robot Devil: I heard him!
- Kwanzaa-bot: Yo, Kringle! What happened to you, dawg?
- Bender: Oh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone hates me.
- Kwanzaa-bot: [Scoffs] At least they understand you. You know what I'm saying? Ain't nobody down with this Kwanza tip.
- Bender: Hey, maybe you can lend me a hand with these deliveries?
- Kwanzaa-bot: [Imitates a gameshow buzzer] No time. I got to hand out the traditional Kwanza book.
- [He holds up a book with two shrugging children on the cover. The book is called "What The Hell Is Kwanza." Kwanza-bot sighs]
- Kwanzaa-bot: I've been giving these out for 647 years.
- Turanga Leela: Remember, professor. Bender is Santa. You don't need to hurt him.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3.
- Bender: Ho, ho...
- [Professor shoots Bender]
- Bender: Ow!
- Turanga Leela: Professor, don't you remember what I told you?
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No!
- Fry: We've gotta bring back the kind of Xmas I remember.
- Turanga Leela: Fry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's lap, and hard!
- Bender: Hey, Kwanzaa-bot! Where you off to?
- Kwanzaa-bot: Ah, you didn't hear about it? Hannukah Zombie's having a luau at the B'nai B'rith. You coming?
- Bender: Word!
- Little Girl: Mommy, mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!
- Mother: This is it, kids! Take your suicide pills so you won't suffer!
- Bender: No, wait! I'm the good Santa! I've got toys at very reasonable prices!
- Father: Don't listen to him! He's the father of all lies, and the uncle of all tricks!
- Bender: But I come bearing Tri-Ominos!
- Mother: Go for the shins!
- Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my day Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
- [all singing]
- X-Mas Elves: We are free and fairly sober/With so many toys to build/The machines are kinda tricky/Probably someone will be killed/But we gladly work for nothing
- Fry: Which is good because we don't intend to pay
- X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves are back to work today. Hooray!
- X-Mas Elves: We have just a couple hours to make several billion gifts/and the labor isn't easy
- Turanga Leela: Then you'll all work triple shifts/You can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to super speed
- X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: It's back to work on X-mas Eve. Hooray.
- Turanga Leela: And although you're cold and sore and ugly/Your pride will mask the pain
- Fry: Let my happy smile warm your hearts
- Single X-Mas Elf: There's a toy lodged in my brain
- X-Mas Elves: We are getting awfully tired and we can't work any faster
- Bender: Why you selfish little bastards!/Do you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy empty-handed jerk?/Then shut your yaps and back to work
- X-Mas Elves: Now it's very nearly X-Mas and we've done the best we could
- Fry: These toy soldiers are poorly painted
- Turanga Leela: And they're made from inferior wood
- Bender: I should give you all a beating/but I really have to fly
- Santa-bot: If I weren't stuck here frozen/I'd harpoon you in the eye
- X-Mas Elves: Now it's back into our tenements to drown ourselves in rye
- Turanga Leela: You did the best you could I guess/Cause some of these gorillas are okay
- X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: Hooray!
- Single X-Mas Elf: We're adequette
- X-Mas Elves, Fry, Turanga Leela: The elves have rescued X-Mas day. Hooray!
- Bender: [Bender, dressed as Santa, has encountered a chimney with bars across it] Duh, gee, Bender, how're you gonna get through these bars? I don't know, moron. Suppose I bend 'em? Duh, okay.
- [He bends the bars]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
- [All cheer]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll all be delivering a sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
- Santa-bot: Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get New Orleans on this thing, you know.
- Santa-bot: Bender can't be Santa. He's not built to yuletide specifications.
- Bender: Well, I wasn't built to steal Leela's purse either, but that didn't stop me.
- Turanga Leela: Bender!
- Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer: As soon as I pull this switch, these powerful electromagnets will tear you limb from limb, killing you in the most humane possible manner.
- Bender: But Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.
- Mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer: It is for the witnesses, because it's not boring.
- Fry: Wait a second. Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
- Turanga Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said so yourself. Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
- Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas.
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That's a big crock of...
- [explosion outside]
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hold me!
- Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now, that evil robot Santa can't get to us here, unless any of us are stupid enough to leave this house. In a related matter, you'll all be delivering a sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.
- Fry: This is not how Xmas is supposed to be. In my days, Xmas was about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.