- [Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
- Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
- Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
- Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
- Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
- Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
- Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
- Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
- Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
- Rachel: Huh?
- Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
- Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
- Chandler: [Arguing over Chandler smoking] I messed up. It was a meeting.
- Monica: So what? Don't you have any will power?
- Chandler: Will power? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tin foil off.
- Monica: You said that was sexy.
- Chandler: Can we just drop this? I'm not going to smoke again.
- Monica: That's right because I forbid you to smoke again.
- Chandler: You forbid me?
- Monica: Exactly.
- Chandler: I've flown a long way to see my loving wife, is she here by the way?
- Monica: Don't joke with me, I'm very upset right now.
- Chandler: Would you say this is most upset you can be?
- Monica: I think so.
- Chandler: [Takes out a cigarette and smokes it] then I might as well do this.
- Chandler: [Long pause] I'm not sure what to do now.
- Monica: I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner you're going to put out that cigarette, and we're going to put this fight on hold and go have sex.
- Chandler: Fine, WHAT?
- Chandler: [after having sex] You are welcome.
- Monica: You know what? Let's not talk.
- Chandler: What?
- Monica: I'm still mad at you for smoking.
- Chandler: But you said you forgave me "couple cigarettes no big deal".
- Monica: [Rambling] Blah blah blah! I only said because I was ovulating and you said you wouldn't have sex with me if we're fighting.
- Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?
- Monica: That's right, I got "mine".
- Chandler: [Feeling embarrassed and disappointed] I feel so used.
- [Chandler undressing slowly]
- Monica: [Sarcastically] Spend more time taking off the tie, that'll make a baby.
- Chandler: Look, I can't do this, I can't "make love" to you while we're fighting.
- Monica: Oh sure, now you're "Mr. Sensitivity", but when you wanted to have sex after my uncle's funeral...
- Chandler: That was a "celebration of life", look I'm going to do this, is this really the way you want our baby to be conceived?
- Monica: No, you're right. We shouldn't do it like this. So you had a few cigarettes, it's not the end of the world.
- [They kiss each other]
- Monica: [Implying they should have sex] You want to?
- Chandler: [Enthusiastically] yeah, let's "celebrate life!"
- Judy Geller: [Telling Rachel the "Willy" story with Ross present] I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".
- Ross: [Feeling embarrassed to Rachel and sarcastically to Judy] Somehow it became easily to be apart from you.