- Carlton Banks: Geoffrey, could you get us some breakfast?
- Geoffrey: I'm not allowed to serve you anymore. Mr. Banks' orders.
- William 'Will' Smith: G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night?
- Geoffrey: Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.
- William 'Will' Smith: What, a sit-up?
- Geoffrey: It's a bit more serious than that, I'm afraid. You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams barbecued ribs left over from yesterday?
- Carlton Banks: Yeah?
- William 'Will' Smith: [Geoffrey opens up the fridge] Oh, my goodness, it's still there!
- Geoffrey: [to Uncle Phil] Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir?
- Philip Banks: Don't mind if I do.
- [goes to get one]
- Geoffrey: Only one, sir. The rest are for Master William and his friends, poolside.
- Philip Banks: What? I can't believe that he would deliberately disobey me!
- Geoffrey: I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir. It's more like outright defiance.
- [Uncle Phil storms outside; Geoffrey moves his hands like a puppeteer]
- Geoffrey: That's it! Dance, puppets, dance!
- Geoffrey: [gives Will and Carlton a courtroom subpoenas] Subpoenas from your father. And may I say, it's been a pleasure serving you.
- Philip Banks: [to Will and Carlton] How dare you two defy me?
- Carlton Banks: Now, see here, big guy!
- [Uncle Phil pokes Carlton's duck tube causing it to pop]
- Carlton Banks: Oh, my God! Howard!
- [runs away and starts crying]
- Carlton Banks: Hi, Steffi, what are you doing here?
- Steffi: I heard the party and I came to see if Ashley was home.
- Carlton Banks: Well, she's away at her Aunt Helen's. Now, run along. I don't think you're age-appropriate for this party.
- [puts on a duck floatie]
- Carlton Banks: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going swimming.
- Steffi: Hi, Mr. Banks.
- Philip Banks: Steffi, do your parents know you're here?
- Steffi: I don't think so. They're in Aspen.
- [sees a guy pass by]
- Steffi: And I'm in heaven!
- Steffi: Hi, Mr. Banks.
- Philip Banks: Steffi, do your parents know you're here?
- Steffi: The hell with my parents! Will taught me that.
- Philip Banks: [when Will tries to give him a handshake] I don't want your hand, I want my rent.
- William 'Will' Smith: Oh, man, I don't believe... did you learn nothing from all this mess?
- Philip Banks: Yeah. Never rent to relatives.
- Carlton Banks: Will, have you seen Dad anywhere around?
- William 'Will' Smith: [looks around for Uncle Phil and spots him] Well, that's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.
- Judge: In lieu of a written lease, the law stipulates a landlord must provide his tenants with electricity, gas and plumbing.
- William 'Will' Smith: Yeah.
- Judge: However, air conditioning is considered a luxury. Rent cannot be withheld based on a malfunctioning appliance.
- William 'Will' Smith: Meaning?
- Judge: Meaning you'll have to pay the rent.
- Steffi: Hello, Mr. Banks.
- Philip Banks: What's she doing here?
- William 'Will' Smith: She wandered over, lonely and crying. I didn't have the heart to turn her away.
- Philip Banks: Hit the bricks, you little tramp!
- [Steffi runs away]
- Philip Banks: Out of here! And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend!
- Judge: Mr. Smith, your opening statement.
- William 'Will' Smith: Your Honor, I'm from West Philadelphia. Born and raised. On the playground was where I spent most of my days.
- William 'Will' Smith: [to Uncle Phil] No, check it out. On the serious tip, you got to fix our air conditioner today. We got some people coming over for a party and as good hosts, we'd prefer that they didn't melt.
- Philip Banks: Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building. You're now talking to Landlord Banks and he's not fixing anything until he gets his rent.
- Philip Banks: Will, I am going back in the house and when I come out, I want all of these people gone.
- William 'Will' Smith: Well, they will be if you come out in the morning, Uncle Phil.
- Philip Banks: Wait, wait. Let me get this straight, young man. You are telling me what will or will not happen in my own house?
- William 'Will' Smith: Excuse me, but this is my house. I pay rent here too, eventually.
- Philip Banks: You watch how you talk to me.
- William 'Will' Smith: Well, then, Uncle Phil, stop treating me like a child.
- Philip Banks: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to a man.
- William 'Will' Smith: [to Hilary] Okay, Miss Banks, you were the previous tenant in the aforementioned pool house, is that correct?
- Hilary Banks: Yes.
- William 'Will' Smith: And would you please tell us of your experiences there?
- Hilary Banks: Am I under oath?
- Judge: Of course.
- Hilary Banks: Well, Trevor would come over at about...
- William 'Will' Smith, Carlton Banks, Philip Banks: Objection!
- William 'Will' Smith: [to Uncle Phil] Hey, hey, look, look, check it out, Heavy P. Now, why don't you take your Humpty Dumpty butt on back up to the main house, because you're embarrassing us out here.
- Carlton Banks: We're going to appeal this decision. I intend to cite the landmark case of "Rhode Island v. Schechter Poultry."
- Philip Banks: That has to do with the right to hang dead chickens in a butcher-shop window.
- [first lines]
- [Phil is on the phone with Vivian in Philadelphia]
- Philip Banks: Everything is fine, Vivian. Tell Ashley and Nicky that I miss them too. Okay? Okay, love you. Oh, kiss your sister for me.
- [hangs up the phone]
- Philip Banks: God knows I wouldn't do it.