Frasier (TV Series)
To Tell the Truth (1999)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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Frasier : Do you really want to see me lying under oath?
Martin : Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.
Frasier : You know, I can't believe you're being so casual about this. Do you realize you're asking me to do something completely unethical?
Martin : Oh, for God's sake, nobody's even gonna know!
Frasier : Yes, but that's the point! Ethics are what we do when no one else is looking. For heaven's sake, I learned that from you.
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Martin : [trying to convince Frasier to lie about Niles' feelings for Daphne in his divorce proceedings] You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?
Frasier : Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!
Martin : But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.
Frasier : Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?
Martin : Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...
Frasier : Oh, for God's sake!
Martin : And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier : Who am I lying to, the comet?
Martin : Oh, just answer the question!
Frasier : All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...
Martin : So, then you'd lie?
Frasier : To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!
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Frasier : And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.
Donny Douglas : [sarcastic] And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding."
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Donny Douglas : Now, look, they're also going to allege that during the separation, Niles was wasteful with money.
Niles : Wha...? She's calling ME wasteful?
Donny Douglas : Mmm-hmm.
Niles : Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
Frasier : Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian!
Niles : Half the time she'd just get a new dog!
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Frasier : [looking at baby pictures of Alice] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face.
Roz Doyle : Actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema.
Frasier : Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up...
[looks at the next picture]
Frasier : or spread.
