Frasier (TV Series)

The Gift Horse (1997)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...

  [as she keeps nuzzling him] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just stop that!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.

  Roz Doyle : I'll save you the club dues.

  Dr. Niles Crane : What-?

  [Roz kisses Niles and exits] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Everyone kisses better than Maris!

• [in their competition to buy Martin the best gift, Frasier goes overboard and buys an enormous big-screen television] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh my God, you didn't.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! It's impressive, isn't it?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

• Dr. Niles Crane : [speaking to Frasier about the season football tickets he bought for Marty]  If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first two yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth!

• Dr. Niles Crane : Hello, Daphne, Sherry.

  [to waitress] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Double latte, please.

  [sits] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Is Frasier with you?

  Sherry Dempsey : No, he's out shopping for your dad.

  Dr. Niles Crane : That jackal!

  [Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in] 

  Daphne Moon : Dr. Crane, did you find something?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!

  Sherry Dempsey : Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles was here?

  Sherry Dempsey : Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That little worm!

  [Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]