Frasier (TV Series)

Look Before You Leap (1996)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Frasier : Niles, you know I'm right.

  Niles : You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any!

  Frasier : [shaking a finger at him]  I most certainly am too!

  Niles : Your lips say "yes" but your cuticles speak volumes.

• Niles : You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.

  Frasier : Oh, Niles...

  Niles : Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. When you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.

• [after Niles mentioned his and Maris' tryst] 

  Martin : You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams?

  Niles : Yes.

  Martin : It's a two-way street.

• Frasier : You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in the hay?

  Niles : Substitute a sixteenth-century giltwood fainting couch for hay and watch me roll.

• Niles : She's cleared her schedule from 7:00 'til 7:30 - that means foreplay *and* cuddling.

• Frasier : Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?

  Niles : Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.

  Frasier : Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.

  Niles : Your point would be?

• [Niles abandons his decision] 

  Niles : I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!

  Frasier : You will rue the day!

  Niles : I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

• Frasier : Dad, why aren't you in Montana?

  Martin : Fifteen minutes out a flock of Canadian geese flew into one of our engines. They were the lucky ones. The next thing you know we're falling five-thousand feet; smoke-house almonds are flying everywhere; people are screaming and hugging each other; the guy in the next seat grabbed a-hold of my arm, and you know what? I didn't pull it away. Then our pilot comes one - our landing gear is out, we're going to have to make an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam. So, five HELLISH minutes later we're bouncing across the runway. Then, the stewadess comes on and says we're going to have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, head first into this sea of foam. The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the isle came barreling down the chute after me like a polyest avalanche.

  Frasier : My god, dad, I am so sorry.

  Niles : So, so these stewardesses, were they also covered in foam?

• [Frasier has just persuaded Niles to decline Maris' invitation] 

  Niles : Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be easy, though.

  Frasier : Of course not. Just don't think about sex.

  [from the kitchen, making breakfast] 

  Daphne Moon : Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane?

  Frasier : [Niles's hands rattle, and Frasier grabs them]  Grandma in a teddy.

  Niles : Thank you.

• Niles : Oh, God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration; it's high school all over again.

• Niles : Well, let's get back to work. I need something to take my mind off the fact that, at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into non-fat milk bath.

• Niles : Perhaps they'll pledge to get you to stop singing.

• Niles : Oh, and, by the way, thanks so much for the "cold shower" tip.

  Frasier : Did it work?

  Niles : No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives' tale, because I'm still thinking of my old wife's tail.

• Niles : When Maris says "get together," she means, "You wear the creme fraiche. I'll lick it off," sense.